epi-4..

it wsnt their fault,d sound man was a total mother-fucker n had no idea about his work..bt jake sang with his high fever n minus all of that funny n ltl annoying boktom he gave i gave no other complains..bt then they got d money,n who cares abot d para shows neways we were out 2 have fun,n so d wheels rolled..we went 2 deshapriya park 2 fetch 2 idiots,n meanwhile i fetched some fish fries n chops..n then there v all were screaming n craving lyk nestlings 4 weed n alcohol..:P

episode 4 continues..

but d day seemed ospicious..n i was in talking terms with him n though i was down i knew my best frnd jake wl cheer me up..n as i waited 4 him i granted myslf a short afternun nap..my cousin sister came suddenly,n she indulged me by running her fingers through my hair n lots of aram n ador as i call it..pure bliss..:)..in evening around 6 they came..d warhead..my best friend n his mates..good people..n d fun began..we 1st went 2 garcha n witnessed a horrible flop show..

episode-4,after d prologue..

with another wake-up-malfunction came d maha-ashtami,n just when i thought that d anjali tym was over,i realized that devi durga-d kind-hearted godess is in a desparet need of being worshiped by a lazyass self-centerd fool like me,so she gave me a full 1 hour extension with a btwn d line-2nd tym nvr repeat..so i rushed 2 d bathroom n on 12noon sharp landed in d pandal n threw myself on her feet,n lyk a loving mother she washed my sins n granted me some of her grand ashirvaads i ws yet 2 realize that..

prologue..

d ni8 ws dark,n i was alone n kept walking,away frm home n ressolved not 2 go back till morning,n he called,we talked 4 long hours till 2.30am in d ni8,as i kept walking through d pandal-hopping-crowd,n his words left me confused like hell,n i wasnt assured of his love 4 me,bt something ws still otherwise,being exhausted n unable 2 think nemr,i came back home with an aching swollen knee n body that wanted to give in,so i threw myslf on d bed,n that is how my saptami ended,confused n disgusted..

episode-3....

a drunk moron performd an unthinkable horrifying melodramma,n i was totally blanked by d suddenness of d fucking event n my wound started bleeding..n he left me then,went back his way,n it wsnt his fault,he was angry n had every correct reason 2 b mad,given me his place i would have landed few good punches on the drunkhead..bt i was there-alone,sobbing,bronken n mad with rage in d middle of d ni8,n gave my dad a real hard time as i shouted in d top of my lungs..

prolonged episode-3

i gave him gifts that i intended 2 give,n he smiled as he took them,bt it some how seemed plastic n frozen..n my inner termoil began..does he love me?does he want me?is he d same person?do i know him?is this togetherness 4 real?is he trying to console me?n get me back 2 lyf?is this pure sympathy?is he sure of himself?should i be with him?fucking questions left me confused..n we came back home..n just when i thought that ill tell him how i feel just then it happend..

episode-3,continues..

my spirit to eat was gone,those orange n white curtains n d macha was loathsome,i missed my stars n d open wind n sky,n he was there with a plain face,still d same cold presence..we started walking back n i held his hand,lit a fag,n started talking,n finally took a cab n found myself suprisingly in his arms,i ws ashtonished with d contrary of d situation,his biceps were comforting yet so unfriendly touch,like that of a stranger,n there ws a repultion in me,bt stil a craving 4 his presence in my heart

episode 3..

bt he was much more visually beautiful,n sober,n there was those shining im-so-in-luv with eyes..it was him minus d music n d warmth n care,inshort his soul..n he spoke n unknown language,bt something inside me kept me going with him,it was like i was searching for him inside him only..weird me!we went 2 deshopriyo park,n we went to take a ride on d disco dance,n i was damn scared,bt he didnt hold me,n i was scared like a fool..we went 4 dinner,n d roof-top was coverd with stupid decorations..

puja,2010..episode-2..

next day was a damn busy morning..though d lazzyass me was still d late riser..coocking was on my to do list,that 2 mutton..after all d clumsy hands,n sweaty face,n i-smell-of-spices,n helping-hand-dad,n sneaking people n taste-it-n-temmes..d dish was good,n i got an exeeds expectation,n my stomach was happy..then came d i-waited-so-long evening,n after all d careful n detailed make up sessions finally he came..no appriciation from him,n d li8 inside me died off.he was cold,n beyond recognition..

my pujas,2010

it Started lyk ne other day,lazyass myself n d gloomy afternoon,d shosthi began bt wsnt a kickass start 4 me,been there done that standing in a long line 4 piko,last bit of shopping,then a lonely ride 2 home,then he came my sweet jake,lotz of adda,a prolonged walk 2 hajra road through an i-feel-suffocating traffic,chit-chat,d bawals,hooting at hot babes,n oh-so-tasty chicken pakora,fish finger,ice-cream n a good night sleep-it was a happy evening,but start was yet 2 cum...

d gr8 pujas hit bengal...

crowd..lots of people,marching together like ants..d smell of new cloths,perfumes n something more,d flashy loud yet vibrant colours,n all d happy faces...u cant help urself from liking everything..u cant help urself from falling in love..finally my happy place,but few things r yet 2 fix..rupamdehi,jayangdehi,yashodehi trishochani...

ill get over..it will just take some time...

ur touch doesnt feel d same..d elivated heartrate,n throbbing noise,even d quick shivers,chills n goosebumps are gone...nothing is there..ur touch feels different,like some monotonous routine day-to-day-got-use-to-it thing..life is a hell lot different,i have changed..im a grown-up now,i can make it out by this nothingness inside..nothing is left to feel..except my daily visits to memory lane..where our fingers touch,u hold my hand firmly,take me in ur arms..then we both let go.. n i live on..

in this race its not about winning..its not about position either,its about wether u get selected or not,that 2 according to ur own comfort corner...and im blessed...im fit,atleast able,so i got selected..finally!d procedure,d path,d exhaustion doesnt count..d end product matters..just like profit n loss..who said u have to play fare?when life n system isnt fare on u,fuck justice..be fare to urself..this is a damn cold blooded race,if u win u have it all..if u loose u have to fall..its natural selection...
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=313050038697043202

sigh...

finally im free..free from all my obsessions...i cn feel it..i have grown up...i know now what maturity n independence mean..n im both..cz iv learnd to let go of things...let go of people..being free is all about self-controll..n i have it over myself..i have learned to accept n deny according to situation n my own will..im sure i can take it from here without failure..i can live 4 maself,without anyone influencing me...kuddos to myself...sigh!few things r still not for sale....

i feel good..d rain has finally entered my system,n west bengal too...all that stickyness is replaced by wet touch...i feel like a mermaid...he makes love to me unknowingly,he says i love him,n i say i dunno...i have a soul of cloud..got my name cloudy too...am i?or am i not?im sorry i neglected all that true n real in my bitterness..bt nw i feel like me again...n i can actually relate to bella minus the super natural shit..

viewing ravan by maniratnam was a gr8 n memorable experience..i will recall it all my life..it made to the list..my list of favourite top ten memories..d hug is still number one,and there is d day i met sudip..n this one is favourite bcoz of specified reasons..dunno much bout d movie,but i got real wormth,comfort n serenity...... haauuttt he is..

it felt good though..d week,d shrink n then back 2 sqaure one...it all began wth a nasty fi8..yes wth my best frnd..thn i simplified..n things r normal or rather sane again...the self-killing mania is over..i nw have loads a room 4 maslf..n im lovin it..d masks r gone..drop dead..nw there r faces,d happy ones 2..after seeing twili8 saga eclips,after all that waiting..nw thngs r btr agen..im not a part of dat jittery group nw..n i feel blessed..i learnd that he isnt coming back,never,so im moving 4ward,this time for real,n for good....

whoever

we all are wearing masks..n im in smooth harmony with a mask only..deep down inside the faces has rotten ages ago..but hope is there,hope is the colourful paint,and yes the way they smile..angel face..there is actually no angel face,its the angel face mask..and we all love it,the devil face mask is ugly and is mostly hated..but its all about perspective..no one is perfect,no one is soully improper either..we all are mixed,actually like a colloid solution..if the suspended particles are pretty then your colour will be pretty,n loved by all......if the reverse is true,then u end up being a loner.....ah!when was the last time he came?dunno....

u

i shud nvr read ur blogs..yet i know i will,till my heart stops beating,or my eyes quit viewing..coz it is the only thing that keeps me goin..d only thing worth living for...u...my living god..who controls my life..i breath u thru air,i listen 2 u thru music..u speak thru my voice,u sleep thru my eyes..u run in my vessels lyk blood..i touch u,when i touch myself,i see u when in my wake or in my dreams..u shw me d cues n virtues of lyf,n warn me against evil n odds...u control me via nerve impulses thru my retired brain cells.....if this is not being god,then what is?i got my god,i can touch him,see him ,feel him.....n i carry him with myself whereever i go......im fulfilled,n i got immortality,n eternity with my god,with u...i have u.....n i can wri8 no more...

d trip

a trip changed a lot of things...a lot me..n nw im never 2 be happy again..

about u

when he is with me he washes away all the pain i have,but when he's not he causes the same.....i need his touch with few intervals but i need a good supply.....i wanted to say i need you,i want you,i long to be with you....but i never did n i never will....cause i cant trust you.....
but i know soon enough you will come again,and i will sleep peacefully in your arms,on your chest,and u will again play with my mane....n i will be in heaven....
after a long time i found you,you are quite a same sinner,but you have better version of crime...i know u are much more cold blooded....still u are my serenade...
i wish to see you break,cause when you do,i'll collect your shattered pieces....and like my own self i will rebuild u as u are...i dont want much changes,but i love to feel u in my arms,toying with my body....soft,silky yet strong touch.....
when you dont i cant even touch my own self...whenever i touch me...my body says-'access denied'...as u are my only password....

head ache....

im having a very bad head ache....i think im gonna kill myself...

should i or should i not!

once in a blue moon i think im allowed to cry......especially on occasions like this......my best friend came to see me today we had long chats over the coffee.....
i went to this amazing movie where two very hot dudes where entertaining enough......if only i could get some sleep today i could have said that today is a perfect day.....but my life is in sheer lack of perfection.....and today i could really use some tears to wash my mask off....at least tonight.....
i saw u today.....what i was supposed to do?i dunno.....i wanted to cry hard but i had to smile....it's ironic....whenever i feel like crying i laugh...my grin grows bigger.....i smile like a maniac,that's the only way i can keep it sane....i was wearing this awesome black dress u always adored....n thousands of eyes said to me-hello gorgeous!...did u notice my new found red hair?n my reddish cheeks?i dont think so.....u smiled out of courtesy.....i smiled out of grief,none was happy,they where pathetic n plastic......
im the queen of this plastic smile,i have mastered the art...even if i cry,why should i let u know?
i think i need another fag..or some organic water....honestly,but i dunno if i will conceive one good fat tear,n if i dont tonight i will laugh my heart out,like some self-addicted maniac......
will u laugh?or will u sleep?i think u will be just fine..........:)

someplace

I'm searching......still searching....n I'm disturbed... I'm not liking things,the way they are....i am not liking this place....i'm not liking me.....a friend is coming soon...assurance at last..but that one small place in my head is still missing....
i go all by myself,i sit,i listen n i drink pina colada...i suffer from shoe malfunction....then i kiss for long 15 minutes....n i laugh...and then when i come back home,i blame the acidity.....
that someplace is much needed....if u pick it up by chance please return then,it will be of no use to u....and please do not flirt with me,im not into cheesy talks....
im just searching for my place,my root....

a thought

Friends r coming again....im back in my hometown again....heat n humidity....all the sticky sticky people n sticky sticky feelings...what is it?good to be home...sex,alcohol n night-overs...hollow life-a life indeed...i need my peace...a place in my head where no sound can be heard,where i can concentrate....n find myself..i need to close myself from inside n conceal....too much of noise...fuck it!i miss myself...

closure...

The day is coming close now....the weeping ceremony is about to begin...not for me,coz i dont weep,i just fight the tears.....i smile when the hopeless fluid finds its way down my eyes....i never drop my face,not until old age wins over anti-aging miracles....

i look at the mirror n i laugh..i love my new found red hair,n my baggy t-shirt....but still more 2 do...weight loss is the top priority,n some body arts too....if im ready to take up the pain yet,i dunno,still to explore....i want some crazy me in life..

what is with the skies n clouds?global warming man...the weather is going damn crazy,n now a days im drizzling 2 much,like there is some kind of leakage in my IgA store house...huh!crazy nights,always soaked n wet.....nights are busy and plain...

are u refine enough for urself?i dont need 2 b freaking awesome,coz i am myself...

SO?Beware of me...I'm on my way........the end is approaching...ah!i''l just let it pass over....coz im feeling kind of generous...

case closed!

the problem with me is i care too much....i should better stop...

Rediretng...

I need coffee,a good strong cup...may be some whiskey will help a lot...like hell im going to miss her,my one part family.I'll miss her voice,her warmth,her touch and her baby fat....I'm gonna miss 'me'...im gonna miss talking my heart out...n snuggling in the cozy lap.it's the perfect fit....few more days and again the heat,the sun,the noise,the smoke,the booze,the metal-head n the freak-show..time is running out,happy holidays are over....i don't love this city,mine one is better but it's good to have a family back at home otherwise it's always late night n early morning runaways...i dunno no if u will read this gibberish,but if u do u don't pity me..don't even dare....this is what i chose for myself,the happy loners life...n as long as im here I'll put myself together n hold my face....this is my happy place,without my lover,yet it is...love never brings me happiness when it's pure...n im done with a lifetime of impurities....so materials are good,they don't make a noise,they are faithful n good company to keep...n one more thing is blood,n upbringing...that matters n keeps me strong....I've chosen freedom over love which never existed from the other side, n strength over faith which he never had....
I'm redirecting...from light to darkness,but this time something good will happen,something refined,coz i never learned to pretend,n go back on words...
i mean it,this time....

Amends will be made...

confession

i donno how long i can hold on like this!but a little more of pushing myself and it's the edge......and it's really deep n scary.....i was right u are so much more happy without me,u never needed me,i can see how things are now...a new life,a new girl,a new job,a new beginning....for me?it's all over again...learning to live...y shouldn't i go on and pretend!n cheat someone!it's lucrative enough...but i cant bare their touch...burns a hell lot like cigar....dumb ass opium...doesn't work.. i would have tried to hurt myself but im done with a lifetime of stupidity,n now it wont even hurt any more...I'll have to find something new this time...but it's hopeless...im not u..i dont say just to say i mean every word i say,so go on sleep with that slut of ur's...u have your life without me.Good for u ei!finally i set u free n im the one to take up all the blame!wow!what a fair world

I've tried hard.....but always it's no response....''the network ur trying to reach is currently switched off''.....it's kinda like forever...

Meghbalika

Ghore ferar tara nei,ashao nei....megheder to ghor hoye na...shudhu ure byarano noyeto bheshe berano....r jotokhkhun na brishti naamche bhari bhari koshto r bhije bhije moner bojha boye berano...
megher kono mrityu nei,chutio nei,ghum o nei tai shopno o nei....tobu majhe majhe mone hoye akta ghor thakle bhalo hoto....sharadin shudhu uraan r ghor bandhar hahutash....shongihin megh dole thekeo dolchut,karon shobar kanna ak hoyena..........tui jalna khule rakhte parish,ami tor ghore dhukbo na...oto niche amader namte nei....oto niche namle bhenge jabo je!ami bhenge gele darun brishti hobe....bojro bidyut shoho tufaan...tor ghor bhenge jete paare.....tai jabona tor kache....ei upor thekei dekhi....shob kirom choto choto laage.....................

cradle

hey u out there.....................................any1.................hear out please,one last time....im done with the sleepless nights....i want my good night sleep back....jake u there?can u here me?i know he's not coming back...i have no hope...but the dream catcher is lost...and all the bad dreams are on their way...im scared to sleep,even close my eyes....he keeps coming back,but like a mist when im only ready to risk my life...he stops me and flies away....im pure fragile human,i wanna be inhuman too...but he wont let me..keeps coming back...im not scared of death but as long as i live i have a chance,i can wait....who knows may be he'll come back....so i live,but the bad dreams keep chasing....so im up all night...mostly....i need my lullaby..n those arms to cradle me.....i need to sleep,or else ill freak out....

no matter what i do...cant convince you...

nothing..

can nothing be responsible for something?can anything be credited for nothingness?
oh!it's all numb,both inside and outside.....stop burning....stop shining

the flikering light

it's a strange flickering light,keeps on flickering at night,when it's power is off....when all the energy is cut off from it's circuit it will flicker the whole night,when i switch it on it kinda like glows forever.....seems like only i can switch it on...but i like the flickering...feels strange,yet so soothing..so it flickers like some crazy diamond,smiles at me....I'm fucking frustrated when i have to wait so long for the late night sms...so i start counting...1...2..3....4...5.......and boom!i have dazzled again.....

oblivion

Before the darkness engulfs me for eternity,the light has shown to the brightest for my sublimed sight...now my pilgrimage begins for eternity,my soul awaits immortality.....ah!the oblivion......there stands my opaline...

and the new day.......sunshine.....smile.....

no one knows what it's like....but deep down we have always felt the same....y should i cry?y should i clutch my grief,and linger around it?there are so much suffering around me,so y the hell am i bothered with my own self?cant live like this...who i am is a huge question.but what am i doing is even bigger....one of my closest person once told me,no relation can work out...both the girl and the boy has enough grudge against each other at the end of the day...so truly he spoke..so y the hell should we go so acid and poison about this issue,when no relation will work out then why the hell should we try?marriage is hell lot of commitment,and I'm not ready for it...being an Indian girl of 21 i have enough pressure on me on this subject,but no one can force me into a commitment till i want...I'm scared,marriage is so off my cards i cant even think of it...not now,not ever...cause no relation will ever work out for me...and I'm too tired of trying to get myself engaged with a person,cause nothing works out..there must be something wrong with me,this total system-I'm a huge misfit...but I'm happy with myself,my own little world....the problem is basic...sex feels like sex,no comfort,no sense of belonging,no safe feelings...nothing...it's an empty feeling..so i cant be physically devoted to someone...the last time my body kind of belonged,rather i felt my totality belongs to one person was when we were alone and u held me in Ur arms so closely,and safely i really felt nothing can harm me...that was the last time i belonged.....but our ways had to separate,like it always did....u going to your happy place,n me getting on a vehicle...destinations may change,but the distance remains n widens...someone spoke truly-no relation can work out.....so y should we even entertain ourselves with it?what it gives more than pain?and speaking of pain,I've seen more....poverty,hunger,betrayal,cruelty,lust...people are suffering enough...i want to fight for that...for betterment,for humanity,i want to help and do my share of good...my close one once told me-'when people critisise u,ur ough't to be doing something good and something different,believe in what u do and move on,that's life'....he was a boy then,n now he's a man...i understand what he meant...thanx buddy,i owe you...i waana do now what i believe in,help people...not for any cheap greatness,but for myself,otherwise i fear i might end up being self-centered...

i know now that i have been foolishly in love,a complete fool to trust u blindfoldedly,still i get 2 be the pretender...u dont give a shit about me,u never cared,n iv known this all along...still i have hoped,hoped like a mortal fool..n u hav laughed on my misery...when will i stop pretending?that's not a proper question its when should i stop n y should i stop?u have always had all the answers,but u never trusted me enough 2 explain life,u knew i was way to much vulnerable,u knew i wud need the answers to life.as i was scared n 2 much depending on u..but u were cold as liquid nitrogen,fluid yet cold...and ur answer was -''y should i spare my time?rather waste it!"n i started to believe my potential was nothing,that i am nothing in comparison to you....y the hell?as u are never challenged,n u never learned beyond ur own little superiority...but i learned,coz i had to,n now it's all the same between us....but freedom brings happiness...u ever tasted that?i don't think so n u never will...u are a prisoner of ur own complications....