stupid situations

i don't know where im standing....mixed impulses running under my skull...dunno if i should trust you or not...someone deep inside says you will break me into pieces one day like he did...u say u love me, that's all im gonna want ever...i cant say for sure that you do....stupid me, stupid situations...im hurt....i know its all gone, dunno if that's true....cant say for sure...i love you, i really really do....i go crazy at times, may be because thats what i am....the reality is too hard to handle...i have my own stories, you have your share of the world, your little own history...you say you'll wait...how long! i cant tell....i know its all gone, buried...but it hurts me so...im stupid,stupid,stupid me...why?why?why? why not me?why not me?why not me? im so so stupid....stupid situations...

amar jiyonkathi

tomay jara chute chaye ami tader ghrina kori.tomay jara bhalobashe ami tader hingsha kori.ami pagol hoye jabo tomay ebhabe bhalobeshe. kintu onno konobhabe bhalobashte ami jani na. tumi hoyeto bhabo shobtai paglami,shobtai madokota....shudhu amar ami jane amar proti nishshashe bash kore tomar ami. jani boro tarahuro korchi, tumi bolbe aaro onek shomoy nite....shomoy newa byartho kina ami janina, tobe ebhabei ami bheshe jai benojole....amar bhalobasha muk o bodhir kintu taar onek onubhuti ache...tamon kore tomay keu onubhob koreni konodin. amar shobtai elomelo, ogochalo, dukhkhobilashi....na ebhabe kichu bojhano jayena, ebhabe shudhui bhalobasha jaye...hain bhalobashi tomay, nirdidhaye bolte pari bhalobashi tomakei.....atota shomoy par kore shudhu atodin ghure ghure firechi....aaj shey fera shanto holo bodhoy....ami r kauke khujbona karur modhye...khujbo nijeke abar harabo abar fire pabo....shob kichu abar benche uthbe tomar sporshe ami jani....ami shob bhule jabo, tomay chuye ami mrityunjoyi hobo...

the change

how fast life is changing. i am now a post graduate in life sciences.yes OFFICIALLY...and i did good..cant really anticipate where life will take me from here, but that is not what i am thinking now. this is hard to share, most of you wont even understand. life has changed drastically. i am so unsure of myself, if i follow my heart i may end up hurting a lot of people, which i don't intend.but then how far can i run from my own self?i have my own needs, my craving. and yes the way i need to belong to someone. its hard to keep pace with my ever changing mind, i want to settle down now. but my life has taken a very unexpected weird turn. i was not prepared for it, but then i do not wish to let go. not now, not yet. all i know for now that i am not very good at this balancing act, but somehow ill have to, cause now is not the time..ill be patient and wait, happiness matters and it can only come by being surrounded by love and belonging.
phew! complicated life!but no one said its gonna be easy, i was not up for easy, i am not meant for easy..

opekhkhay kete jaye chupchap raat...
kotoshoto megher porote poroete mishe thake akibuki kata ghum..
kalo raat nijhjhum
nijeke chuye ami shuye thaki ghono chander niche..
janalar baire ojhor dharay bristi potei thake jug juganto dhore..
amon borsha hoye ak shorir jolodhara boye chole arek shorire..
chupchupe bhije roa otha buk byakul hoye othe shonda matir gondhe..
bhir kore ghore dhuke ashe nishs

hash makha bhari hawar dol..
adorer chinnho gulo chador chapa pore khujte thake atotayi premke..
kon khoter kototuku gobhirota?bujhte bujhtei forsha hoy raat..
brishti jole dhuye jaye proshnera...
poli pore shorirer bare urborota,
bare bhoy r bare jibon shongshoy...
ami shuye thaki mouni chander niche
nirghum chokh jaage, r kaan pete shone
nijer bheja thonte tor nishshasher othanama..

the much awaited confession

after i came back from my north bengal trip i cannot think straight anymore. most of my times im thinking of you two. this i must confess first to myself then to you two. my love for you people has increased exponentially and now not a second passes without me thinking of you. its insane and totally harmful for me because someone inside tells me all the time- you people are not here to stay. but confess as i must it will probably break me when you people leave. i honestly dont know will i ever be able to let you people go. i am disappointed with my damn self that i have let you in so much that now there is no looking back. but the worse part is i dont know how much you people value me. at this point it's sick but ill have to admit i do not care anymore about your values. i just know i cant help myself may be hugely because i dont want to. am sinking, am freaked out, am stressed, am scared. yet what keeps me going i cant tell for sure. its just that when you two are together, and happy, and smiling and content i feel a kind of fulfillment within myself. as if something in me is complete. but when you two are fighting, when my girl is sadcore and that moron is indifferent it kind of breaks me too. i did not realize still how much was left in me, until i met you two. cant share this pain with you guys, as you guys are the cause of it. and this kind of confession will create a distance amongst us. that will be too much to bear for me. my sanity depends hugely on you people now. its just better to keep you two away from facts like this. no matter how mesmerizing the little one is i cant trust him. i am sorry but i cant. not because he is complicated but more because i fail to understand the complexities within him. yet i am so madly attached to such a moron... and as for my girl what can i say? life is just so unfair. i wish to be with her till eternity but then why does that person in me is telling me not to go any deeper. i tried, i am still trying my best to avoid getting any closer. i wanna run away man. but where do i have an escape from my retarded memories! i have tried to avoid their company, tried ignoring them as a whole. i failed..failed badly. will i ever gain back my composure! man i am one hell messed up person...sweet lord christ save me. return to me salvation...

THE CORE TRUTH

if you want to screw your life please go ahead and follow my footsteps.....they will do you grand...but if you wish to be ecstatic,happy, and want a taste of complete freedom,then I'm afraid your only choice is me....:)
yes,i am happy,and free.....way more than any one can judge from outside,but the core knows how fulfilled it feels at the moment.... I'm on top of my game.... :) and i miss you rahul...my brother you are an absolute kick ass great person...and our little trio so incomplete without you...we miss you...and you little rascal should know this by now....
am i doped? if yes,then i am doped my a strange happy feeling.....
but the truth is all this doesn't make sense to rest of the world....but a wise man told me once....
''Fuck the world and lets get high''....
NOTE TO MYSELF: all wise people think alike....:)

the museum of innocence

the museum of innocence by orhan pamuk is the best book i'v ever came across....thanx jake for lending it...even thank u sam b for u have given it to jake....n finally now it's with me...it's bloody dark....n is single-handedly able to depict all the emotions i'v ever conceived...inside me i have museum too....it's only not every one can visit it...it's more private to be honest,n i like it that way....n i do agree with kemal bey.....happiness does comes with being close to the person we love...n happiness is the most important thing in life.....n let them know im gonna have a happy life too..... 

the gal n guy next door

rahul das n asmita mukherjee the boy n gal next door....never in my wildest dreams i thought that i will find friendship in the oddest of place,n to be honest with the oddest of people.....the thing about asmita is that she kills me,u may not find her a stunner,or even very pretty,but then when she puts on her black salwar or her strange blue kurti with the faintest of make up im not exaggerating but she kills me,she's the kind of girl who i would have fallen in love and got married to if i where a boy,since im a gal n very much straight i can only praise her in my mind.....she's not that perfect to be true,but i even love her flaws....n the way she tolerates me,n bears with my arrogance n craziness n everything...i cant imagine this coming from a girl like her....i love her so much...n cant bear with her pain....i am bound to say that she found me rather than i found her...she was the one coming to me arms extended n she took me for what i am,though very opposite to her.........she is confused n fragile n worried all-the-time,but i guess i love that too....coz it fits her so much...when she is skipping the classes it's hard for me to go on,i feel somewhat empty......
then there is rahul-a very average looking,average height,average boy....but boy! what an awesome person he is....when i first saw him never in my bizarrest of dreams i once thought i could be friends with this guy....but im glad life turned out differently....n since i'v written so much average about him,i must confess he is'nt any average buy slightest of means.....he is as a matter of fact an intriguingly interesting guy,though a soul introvert iv not came across any more open minded guy than him...n his ideologies interest me further more...he's a guy too hard to read but i enjoy his riddles,his unpredictableness,n his openness....there is something very fresh about him.....n he is very intelligent indeed,not a poser like others n very humble....i enjoy his company to an extend of fondness.....true how can any girl knowing him can resist falling in love with him!(apart from me,as im already so pre-occupied with so many men in mah life...n i take him as my brother) i mean he is so lovely for crissake!
and i have only till June with these two n at the thought of it my heart sinks...it sinks badly...but being the bad-ass sick optimist i am,i think im gonna make the most of it...these last few months with them....n scribble them forever in my memoirs...as awesome parts of my life.....i love u both n im gonna miss u.....but im gonna think of u till the very end...

winter

cold is the wind outside
shivers crawling up my spine..
hasty days are passing by,
leaving me another sign....

nothing to mourn about
living life is not a regret..
survival with the harshest odds
life's never been a safer bet....

they speak to me deep within
when winter's here finally,
with each reception in my head
my soul descends fiercely


on winter nights,in memory lane,
who can tell how spirits die...
feeble thoughts in my fading mind
northern winds just washing by....

can cry 4 only one

u can let love in Ur lyf,
whenever u want whenever u wish..
but u cant mourn them all,
coz there's only one u'll really miss...
u can set ur feelings free,
feelings so pure,feelings so true...
but there'll be only one,
who'll be by ur side althrough...
when ur happy in his arms,
do not let the guilt set in...
coz,when u truly love someone,
crying for another is'nt a sin...
walk ur way ahead with a smile,
deep inside keep that pain...
ur tears r wth a special one,
where ur love n grief should remain...
ur lovers n their loving touch,
without them ur life is vein...
though u can cry 4 only one,
coz ur love 4 him is insane....

with u

please!please!please!switch on the light...
im so scared of my blinded sight...
i feel so naked,i feel so blue...
it makes my soul to be untrue....


lost in the field of shattered dreams,i want to yield light,i want to paint the sky with you...

please!please!please!hold me tight,
im so stoned,im so high...
make me smile,make me do,
this darkened night,sinks me through

lost in vicinity of obscenity,i want to chase the light,i want to run away with you....

fear

welcome new year...welcome 2012....another year begins....so begins the fear....what do i do with my life....i know what i want to...but is that good enough....im scared to be honest....

my new year resolutions are-

1. have to lose weight,at-least 15 kg.. so i can be hot again...
2. have to qualify csir net...
3. have to get a decent job..
4. have to set my mind right,& most importantly

• have to get you of my mind...

i fear  i will fail...atleast in the last one.....i miss you....i miss your terrific lips...