Half-lives

Never promised a half life to you..
Never expect or accepted a half life either.
But all there years life has been a half-ling with you.
Depressions, desparations, begging,pleadings, anonymity, emptinessess, tearsheds, hollowness, ignorance, insensitivity,fake promises, heartaches and refusals in continuam.
Nothing ever came back except sicknesses, lame excuses and complaints.
Im so done, so so done with this half-ness, now i dont want any of it. Talking to you seems tiring and meaningless.
Disappointments, lonliness, suffocation and silence has become a steady companion in this half life. From here all are reducing.
Everything with you has become pretentious. Im hating the neverending theatricals. 

Faraway

Lets hit the mountais...
Just you and me..
spending lonly time in a silent tent on an anonymous brook bed. Nothing but only fireflying and stars above will give us light.
Somewhere less explored by men, beside the springs filled with waterhens, and snowclad peaks calling us sweetly from a distance. Red flowers, high ferns, tall pines, and sweet singer birds. Nothing too fancy, devoid of the city stentch. Lets explore an old world.
Just you and me..

Sigh! It is nothing but an abstract dream of a farway enchantment!!!!
Deeper sigh!!!!
Sighing all night long!!!

Another letter to riju

Riju,
finally!!after a long time of blankscreenwatching got to hear something atleast. Phew!!!!relieved to know your alive and happy. I always wanted you to be happy with that wicked grin on your face. I never told you this, because i never thought its necessary. Your grin reaches your eyes, and make them shine with added brightness. One of the key reasons that makes an asshole like you so adorable. Always wake up with a smile dear.
I have loved you, hated you with same integrity, and then got over it too. But what i have constantly been doing over all these years is to pray and wish for your safety and happiness. You were an achiever, to me you will always remain like that. I wish to keep those memories of long walks and idle talks with me forever when we were really good friends.

I remember that day, when you held my hand in your hand, made a fist, put it near your heart and said that i was a gem of a friend. Donno if you really meant that or not. I trusted you. Back then your friendship meant everything to me and gave me much streangth to fight. Friendship, i really miss that with you. One thing for sure, your friendship never made me weak, it made me very strong.
Today when i spend every second with the love of my life, i cant tell you how grateful i feel to the srars above that they led me out of you only to get into her. But they never let me out of this bond that i feel with you.
 Even when you are worlds away i just have to know you are fine, i just have to know you are well, that you are happy, at peace and achieving something. I always wait for this much information. It might be irrelevant to you, you can still continue to think that no one really cares for you. Ahhh!!! Suit yourself. I am not much of an influence on you. I do not wish to be either.

I am not going to apologise for my last letter to you. Because just like this one that one is also filled with true emotions. If you find it contradictory im not going to explain myself. As a physics person you should know more about coexistance.

Be well my friend. Achieve all that you want. Keep writting, so that i will know your alright. Im pretty sure in this universe, in some anonymous galaxy, some strange solar system, some world yet to be known by man we are there, and we are bestest of friend. Miss you bitch. Smile more often for an old prehistoric friend...:)

Owning love

"No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone"
-Paulo Coelho
True, you cant lose anyone because you dont really own them. So true. But then think this through, in so many stages of our lives we try to own people. May be we do not recognize, it is but a very subconcious act of our mind. We feel possessive to some at least one or two, is that not a desire to own them? Or at least to own their time?

Then how do we define this desire of ownership???? I think this very desire of owning someone or something is nothing else but love.
Yes love. In my opinion love is when you look into the eyes of someone and from that very second your whole being, whole existance is filled with a steeping desire. Yes a desire to own then, own their each and every micro and nano second. You desire of owning their thoughts, their dreams, their conversations, their emotions, and just before you realize you want to own their desire of owning you too. In turn you want them to own your universe. This whole concept of ownership to me is love. As when we fail to own it hurts, we feel we are losing them. The sense of losing hurts.
Desire of ownership creats deep attachment, deepest of them all. Our mothers own us, may be that is the reason a mothers love is celebrated beyond everything in this world. We know we own them too.

I think this is why we lose only them who we love, not in life but in death. Because desirs burn, give warmth and heat. When we go ashtrey our skin becomes cold as it loses its desire, desire of owning life.

As for me gomzi, i desire to own you, deeply and fiercely. We both know this. And because of this i love you the most and am ded scared to lose you. To lose the you would be disowning love.. To have you is owning love itself.

I am yet to own you, and you are yet to own me. But atleast our hearts are filled with burning desires. We are warm and alive.

Birthday wishes and love

I often wonder how can a person love someone else so much, so much that their heart will swell up with crazy emotions and feel like the chest will burst out, bringing me peace.
Yes i often feel this way for you. For instance like today, lying on your bed in your room im thinking how fast these two days ran away. Just like my chennai days, i wish i could stop time, rewind and relive each second of it. Not to improve the imperfections, but just to live a hundred lives in each of those seconds.
Life offers me living in fractions. Life for me is never in continuam. There are too many stop gaps. Lying down silently, gazing your face like a child who's stargazing for the first time, i feel that this moment must freeze and become immortal. My love made it immortal already.
Now as i secretly wipe my tears and write this nonsense there are feelings that are beyond human transcriptions.
I waited for this day too long, and now its coming to an end. The end is always painful and like any other it makes you gasp for each n every breath. So it is with me.
I hope i made it enough for you, i know i have crossed all lines to go beyond, and further beyond. I hope i could give you happiness.
Happy Birthday Love. This day is a blessing to me, this day is also a curse. "few infinites are greater than other infinits"… My love for you is that infinity. I know its not the same for you. Thats not okay though. It hurts me a lot. But then few pains are greater than others as well, we just need to choose the one that hurts less. Its not an easy choice.
All my wishes to you, all my love to you. I hope i could do enough.
I love you. 

24hrs remains

just one more day to go....
I hope it becomes life changing……
For us…

48hrs remaining

Heart beats faster, i wish i'd known time travel. So much hanging online. Driving me nuts, fairly. Just tomorrows gap, and i'd be there..safely sleeping in ur arms. In my happy place. I'v let go of it all but not you. You are too precious. Too much loved.
Darling cant wait. Anxiety!!!!

Special day-countdown begins

Oh yes! Im counting numbers. And the timer is set. Three more days. Just three more days to go. I hope i would survive next few days anticipation. Time the bitch is very powrful. And then it is a corrupted one too. Must be bribed by my competitors! It makes me wait and wait for what it appears to be a lifetime and then when THE DAY comes it passes by in seconds. Time the bitch knows when to run fast and when to slow down. Thw slut it is. Two penny hooker.

Your birthday is approaching. Im dying in anticipation. Months of planning, saving, plotting, working my ass out. Every year it fails. The badass 15th june. This time if the whore dare cheates on me i will fuck it in the wrong place. Since its inception this very day has cheated on me, caused me blood, sweat and tearshed. Some years you were elated and self engrossed, some years you were indifferent, some year you too were in pain. This year i'v given it all. Soon to unveil.
But last year i took an oath, i promised myself, if anyone ANYONE(including you) will try to destroy my happiness i will screw them in real time.

I am struggling for my peace. I hope i find it with no one around to create perturbation. I hope you will gather the courage to be strong enough for both of us. I hope you love me enough.

I hate that woman, because i always feel she has a stronger place in your life. I know its normal. But i am queerness personified. I hate my compititors, especially when i know they are hypocrite. Playing cheap games never helps with me. I am not known for sportsman spirit.

A letter to jake

Jake,
i miss you. I miss your presence in my life. Your absence is highly felt. Never thought my life would be so cruel, cruel to take you away from me. Like a fool i had faith, a blind faith that we would never be apart. Life always plans otherwise for me.
i'v stopped watching/reading twilight saga. It reminds me only of you. It breaks me. It saddens my heart. Without you life has been "empty"...Remember all the cheap pubs, alcohol, weed, music and more. So many years have passed. Life goes on, with or without enough reason to live..

We loved eachother enough. You loved me enough to let me go, i loved you enough to let you be free. We both pretended as if this was an ego fight. But deep down inside we both know it had least to do with egos, most to do with gut feelings. Yes Jake, i tried hard to make you hate me, you faught a brave war, till today you are unable to hate me, but at last you too got caught Up in my act. I know i pushed you off limits. I hurt you too much. I deserve this vaccum.

As for me, i love you just as i used to. You see i had to protect you. I had to. You deserved happiness, love, family, and so much more; My mere friendship could never compensate all that. I know i have been selfish. I knew myself well. I had to release my best friend from this cage. He deserved the world. I needed you to give yourself a fare chance.

I know you are still struggling, still recovering. I know you are too strong. You will win, your instincts wont let you drown. Waiting for that day when you will find happiness, peace, and love. A girl who deserves you, a person who will be 100% dedicatedly yours. I dream of a day when you no longer will have to pseudo satisfy yourself with bits and pieces Of some damages psyched up person with 1000 other priorities. No, you deserve honest love all to yourself.

I will always love you, thus maintain my safe distance. There is'nt and wont be a day when you will not be remembered in my thoughts. You will always be there in my heart. Nothing would ever harm you dear Or hurt you. Forgive me. Forgive my mindfuckedness. Stay happy, stay content.

Love and respect
Yours,
in fondest memories,
Isabella..