a thought

Friends r coming again....im back in my hometown again....heat n humidity....all the sticky sticky people n sticky sticky feelings...what is it?good to be home...sex,alcohol n night-overs...hollow life-a life indeed...i need my peace...a place in my head where no sound can be heard,where i can concentrate....n find myself..i need to close myself from inside n conceal....too much of noise...fuck it!i miss myself...

closure...

The day is coming close now....the weeping ceremony is about to begin...not for me,coz i dont weep,i just fight the tears.....i smile when the hopeless fluid finds its way down my eyes....i never drop my face,not until old age wins over anti-aging miracles....

i look at the mirror n i laugh..i love my new found red hair,n my baggy t-shirt....but still more 2 do...weight loss is the top priority,n some body arts too....if im ready to take up the pain yet,i dunno,still to explore....i want some crazy me in life..

what is with the skies n clouds?global warming man...the weather is going damn crazy,n now a days im drizzling 2 much,like there is some kind of leakage in my IgA store house...huh!crazy nights,always soaked n wet.....nights are busy and plain...

are u refine enough for urself?i dont need 2 b freaking awesome,coz i am myself...

SO?Beware of me...I'm on my way........the end is approaching...ah!i''l just let it pass over....coz im feeling kind of generous...

case closed!

the problem with me is i care too much....i should better stop...

Rediretng...

I need coffee,a good strong cup...may be some whiskey will help a lot...like hell im going to miss her,my one part family.I'll miss her voice,her warmth,her touch and her baby fat....I'm gonna miss 'me'...im gonna miss talking my heart out...n snuggling in the cozy lap.it's the perfect fit....few more days and again the heat,the sun,the noise,the smoke,the booze,the metal-head n the freak-show..time is running out,happy holidays are over....i don't love this city,mine one is better but it's good to have a family back at home otherwise it's always late night n early morning runaways...i dunno no if u will read this gibberish,but if u do u don't pity me..don't even dare....this is what i chose for myself,the happy loners life...n as long as im here I'll put myself together n hold my face....this is my happy place,without my lover,yet it is...love never brings me happiness when it's pure...n im done with a lifetime of impurities....so materials are good,they don't make a noise,they are faithful n good company to keep...n one more thing is blood,n upbringing...that matters n keeps me strong....I've chosen freedom over love which never existed from the other side, n strength over faith which he never had....
I'm redirecting...from light to darkness,but this time something good will happen,something refined,coz i never learned to pretend,n go back on words...
i mean it,this time....

Amends will be made...

confession

i donno how long i can hold on like this!but a little more of pushing myself and it's the edge......and it's really deep n scary.....i was right u are so much more happy without me,u never needed me,i can see how things are now...a new life,a new girl,a new job,a new beginning....for me?it's all over again...learning to live...y shouldn't i go on and pretend!n cheat someone!it's lucrative enough...but i cant bare their touch...burns a hell lot like cigar....dumb ass opium...doesn't work.. i would have tried to hurt myself but im done with a lifetime of stupidity,n now it wont even hurt any more...I'll have to find something new this time...but it's hopeless...im not u..i dont say just to say i mean every word i say,so go on sleep with that slut of ur's...u have your life without me.Good for u ei!finally i set u free n im the one to take up all the blame!wow!what a fair world

I've tried hard.....but always it's no response....''the network ur trying to reach is currently switched off''.....it's kinda like forever...

Meghbalika

Ghore ferar tara nei,ashao nei....megheder to ghor hoye na...shudhu ure byarano noyeto bheshe berano....r jotokhkhun na brishti naamche bhari bhari koshto r bhije bhije moner bojha boye berano...
megher kono mrityu nei,chutio nei,ghum o nei tai shopno o nei....tobu majhe majhe mone hoye akta ghor thakle bhalo hoto....sharadin shudhu uraan r ghor bandhar hahutash....shongihin megh dole thekeo dolchut,karon shobar kanna ak hoyena..........tui jalna khule rakhte parish,ami tor ghore dhukbo na...oto niche amader namte nei....oto niche namle bhenge jabo je!ami bhenge gele darun brishti hobe....bojro bidyut shoho tufaan...tor ghor bhenge jete paare.....tai jabona tor kache....ei upor thekei dekhi....shob kirom choto choto laage.....................

cradle

hey u out there.....................................any1.................hear out please,one last time....im done with the sleepless nights....i want my good night sleep back....jake u there?can u here me?i know he's not coming back...i have no hope...but the dream catcher is lost...and all the bad dreams are on their way...im scared to sleep,even close my eyes....he keeps coming back,but like a mist when im only ready to risk my life...he stops me and flies away....im pure fragile human,i wanna be inhuman too...but he wont let me..keeps coming back...im not scared of death but as long as i live i have a chance,i can wait....who knows may be he'll come back....so i live,but the bad dreams keep chasing....so im up all night...mostly....i need my lullaby..n those arms to cradle me.....i need to sleep,or else ill freak out....

no matter what i do...cant convince you...

nothing..

can nothing be responsible for something?can anything be credited for nothingness?
oh!it's all numb,both inside and outside.....stop burning....stop shining

the flikering light

it's a strange flickering light,keeps on flickering at night,when it's power is off....when all the energy is cut off from it's circuit it will flicker the whole night,when i switch it on it kinda like glows forever.....seems like only i can switch it on...but i like the flickering...feels strange,yet so soothing..so it flickers like some crazy diamond,smiles at me....I'm fucking frustrated when i have to wait so long for the late night sms...so i start counting...1...2..3....4...5.......and boom!i have dazzled again.....

oblivion

Before the darkness engulfs me for eternity,the light has shown to the brightest for my sublimed sight...now my pilgrimage begins for eternity,my soul awaits immortality.....ah!the oblivion......there stands my opaline...

and the new day.......sunshine.....smile.....

no one knows what it's like....but deep down we have always felt the same....y should i cry?y should i clutch my grief,and linger around it?there are so much suffering around me,so y the hell am i bothered with my own self?cant live like this...who i am is a huge question.but what am i doing is even bigger....one of my closest person once told me,no relation can work out...both the girl and the boy has enough grudge against each other at the end of the day...so truly he spoke..so y the hell should we go so acid and poison about this issue,when no relation will work out then why the hell should we try?marriage is hell lot of commitment,and I'm not ready for it...being an Indian girl of 21 i have enough pressure on me on this subject,but no one can force me into a commitment till i want...I'm scared,marriage is so off my cards i cant even think of it...not now,not ever...cause no relation will ever work out for me...and I'm too tired of trying to get myself engaged with a person,cause nothing works out..there must be something wrong with me,this total system-I'm a huge misfit...but I'm happy with myself,my own little world....the problem is basic...sex feels like sex,no comfort,no sense of belonging,no safe feelings...nothing...it's an empty feeling..so i cant be physically devoted to someone...the last time my body kind of belonged,rather i felt my totality belongs to one person was when we were alone and u held me in Ur arms so closely,and safely i really felt nothing can harm me...that was the last time i belonged.....but our ways had to separate,like it always did....u going to your happy place,n me getting on a vehicle...destinations may change,but the distance remains n widens...someone spoke truly-no relation can work out.....so y should we even entertain ourselves with it?what it gives more than pain?and speaking of pain,I've seen more....poverty,hunger,betrayal,cruelty,lust...people are suffering enough...i want to fight for that...for betterment,for humanity,i want to help and do my share of good...my close one once told me-'when people critisise u,ur ough't to be doing something good and something different,believe in what u do and move on,that's life'....he was a boy then,n now he's a man...i understand what he meant...thanx buddy,i owe you...i waana do now what i believe in,help people...not for any cheap greatness,but for myself,otherwise i fear i might end up being self-centered...

i know now that i have been foolishly in love,a complete fool to trust u blindfoldedly,still i get 2 be the pretender...u dont give a shit about me,u never cared,n iv known this all along...still i have hoped,hoped like a mortal fool..n u hav laughed on my misery...when will i stop pretending?that's not a proper question its when should i stop n y should i stop?u have always had all the answers,but u never trusted me enough 2 explain life,u knew i was way to much vulnerable,u knew i wud need the answers to life.as i was scared n 2 much depending on u..but u were cold as liquid nitrogen,fluid yet cold...and ur answer was -''y should i spare my time?rather waste it!"n i started to believe my potential was nothing,that i am nothing in comparison to you....y the hell?as u are never challenged,n u never learned beyond ur own little superiority...but i learned,coz i had to,n now it's all the same between us....but freedom brings happiness...u ever tasted that?i don't think so n u never will...u are a prisoner of ur own complications....