Melancholi

Now that we dont need totalk to each other anymore, now that we can sleep perfectly without the others whisper in our ears, now that we have perfectly learned to conseal, lie, and pretend to eachother, and now that we dont excite eachother anymore, i think its time for me to leave.. If i dont go now i fear i may get stuck forever.

You are so near yet so so far again.
You never understood my words, neither do you understand my silence.
My dealth goes unnoticed. So does my life.

I must leave, for everyone seems at a far distance, from where they appear to be points, yes you too, are at that much distance. I just need to go.

Its getting pretty suffocating here. It feels like a lifetime of war to breath..
I dunno if the breath is worth.
It is not worth at all.

After long long time my vission is blurred by tearclouds. Half of my heart tells me to kill myself, to end this loophole of suffering.

Can that be an answer? Or can that be a prayer? Can i not be just dead? Or can i not be free??

যে দুই চোখের স্বপ্নের রেশ মেখে,
সূৰ্য্যমুখী দিনের ভাঙল ঘুম..
তাদের পলক পরলেএকটি বার,
আমার প্রেমের পাপড়ি পরবে খসে..

তার চেয়ে বরং এমনি নিবিড় করেই,
নিরঙ্কুষ তাকাও আমার দিকে,
চোখের ভাষায় চোখ আবদ্ধ করো,
সুখ দুঃখের সবটুকু যাক মিশে...

শুধু একটি শব্দ বসাও আমার ঠোঁটে,
শুধু একটিমাত্র শব্দের দিকে তাকিয়ে
আমার সূৰ্য্যাস্ত হোক.
শুধু একটি শব্দে ঢেকে দাও আমার চোখ,
আলেয়ারেখায় নামুক অন্ধকার,
শব্দকাম ফুরোক...

A birthday wish

today's 26th. My birthday is just 3days away. Im gonna turn 26.
woah! Thats a lot of age!
 Do oldies get a wish!!!!!
I hope its yes, cause i have one.
I wish to see you, hold ur hand just once. I wish thats you would play that old black guitar for my like some random teenage day, and you would sing me a song in that deep melancholic beautiful voice. Just want to hear you sing again.
Thats just another wish which will never come true. I know.

Need a new phone with proper storage

Kobita no......

তোমার কোলে ফেলে রাখলাম ছায়া, 

আবরণহীন সদ্যজাতর মতো...

রোজ ঘুমসারে একবার বেঁচে ওঠা,

রোজ ঘুমভাঙা সকালেরা সব মৃত...

ভালোবাসা মানে এমনি তো নির্লাজ, 

নেই প্ৰসাধন, নেই কোনো মেকী আলো...

ছায়া তো মাখেনা কাজলা-লালীমা সাজ, 

ছায়াসঙ্গিনী তুফানময়ী হল...

তোমার বুকে আমার যে ছায়া জাগে, 

ঘুমপাড়ানিয়া আঙুল বোলায় মুখে.....

এমন সাধ্বীসঙ্গ করেছ আগে?

এমন প্রেমের সাধনা রেখেছ বুকে?

Note to the stranger

Whenever i see you like this, my heart sinks a bit. It really does. It stops beating for few seconds. Yes it is that much intense.
I know we are no one to each other. We are complete strangers. After all this time gap nothing can be there. No remnents, or resonance even. True i can hear you. I cant talk to you anymore. Nothing can bridge the gap between us.
Its just that iv grown too attached to ur posts. I read them everyday. I just need to know that your happy. That u r alive and strong. This desire for this information really grows heavy on me.
I cant stop. I hope you understand how it is. Im sure you do now. You know what love is, and how much it hurts.
I do not know what these feelings are, yet it is so strong. It pulls me to your blog everyday. Unloving you was an impossible task. But i did it. I do not love you anymore. But i cant stop caring. I still care. And i hate myself for it. This feeling of being connected never stops. I hope you understand well now, because u cant stop either. Its just few years for you. But for me it has been my half life almost.

I want to kill this connection even. But it will take years and dacades. And it will take massive amount of love and care and devotion which i clearly dont deserve. I dont think it is going to happen. Its like i need to be some other universe to forget you. I want to forget. Forget that you existed. But you know well how impossible it is to do.

For the sake of the universe, and for all the beauty in this world, just dont quit on yourself ok. Dont do anything stupid. Stupidity is never the answer to anything. You told me that once. Remember!!!!
For your family's sake try to live ok!!! Just dont die. Not yet!
Just complete your degree. Its just a mattervof three more years. You can do it babe. Just do it for your old man, your father. You deserve a brilliant career. I being a complete stranger have that faith on you. Just dont quit ok!! Not yet!! Not now.
Achieve it for yourself and please dont ever comeback. Not unless you become Dr. S. Sengupta. Not unless you marry a hot fatass latina. Not unless all that you planed to achieve is yours already.

I loved you once. Deeply, madly, completely. I will never buy it that a loved a loser, that i loved a man without substance. Dont tell me i wanted to sacrifice my life for a useless person. No matter how hard you try i will never believe it.

Live ok!!! Get back on your feet!
Be well. Stranger!

Lights, sparks, and glitters...

They've told me since i was a child that this is the festival of light...
Ironical how the darkest night, the new moon night brings the festivity of light.
Maa kaali, im a big fan. Yes you know it. Since childhood you have been very close to my heart. I can trust you. Love you a lot for coming as an idol this one day. Its good to celebrate your day. Its like i celebrate your birthday every year. Love you mother.
I always like the lightings, especially the soft lights of candles and diyas, they are my favorite one. I rarely fire a cracker. But i enjoy watching them in the sky. Lights lights, glitters and golds everywhere, its so happy to see the contrast of temporary light rays against the jet black sky... It brings a smile...

I had planned these days differently. Awaited for a friend. We all planned. But not every wish is fullfilled. Especially when its me. So nothing really happened. Only me n my beloved kittu. He will never leave me even if he wanted to. He is a soul who is unable to do so. I love you my boy. Your mamma loves you.
This is the first no cracker diwali of my life. Didnt feel like it. But i lit up lamps. Sisteen to be precise. And i thought i should do it often. As i went on lighting up every single diya i prayed to maa kaali, prayed for myself and all those who matter to me. I prayed to her to irradicate all the darkness from all our lives, our souls, our hearts and our minds. I hope she listened.
I hope she would help.
I was there with my lady love. Visited the fare. Went on a ride. After many years together. Ate jalebies. Saw kaali pandals. Ate dinner. Slept with kittu. Woke up with kittu on my lap. Saw drishyam. Awesome movie i tell you. Must watch for all. Bought cool earrnings together. Very cheap. 20-30rs each. But very pretty. Who says happiness is costly? Happiness can be a plate of dahi chaat shared with your beloved. Happiness can be a dusk at hous rooftop with your boy and beloved. Happiness can be a ten minutes auto ride that costs twelve rupees.

I love the flying lantrens. I love the way they light up and rise to the heavens.

I do not see many in kolkata. This is my first year, my friend madhu brought one flying lantren for us, and in 10p.m at night we all unitedly lit it up n let it fly to our friendship. Love you my darlings. There were seven of us, D.j, Usho, arka, subarno, arnab, me n madhu... After a sumptious dinner at arsalan (all funded by subarno) we came to our dearest 8b Bus-stand were we started our journey of friendship. All 5 of us sharing one taxi together. Friendship is a bliss i tell you, its beyond all other relations in life. Then we lit it up, as the lantren rose higher and higher our spirits also were equally uplifted.
Flying lamps are like magic. I wish something like this i could do on my birthday. Just lit up a few flying lantrens in the name of all the heartaches, blood-sweat-tears, struggles, and hesitations. I wish i could fly of all the worries and pain with them. But then again, they are rarely found. I wish i could buy a few, but all the sellers will be vanished from tomorrow. Nevertheless, better luck next year may be.
Oh! Dear flying lantren, my dear babylons candle, take my spirit with you... Let it fly, let there be light... Light... Enough light for us all...

Breaks

Breaks are inevitable in life, sometimes it is important to apply them, sometimes its important to take them.
As for what i'v learned from life when you succumb to leathally in a situation or in an emotion, cut it off. Yes instantly without hesitation become a robot, stop thinking. Apply break on your thoughts.
Yes running helps. Or walking with youself, for sometimes. Earphones plugged in, a ciggerette in hand. Lit another before one dies properly. Yes the smoke helps. It keeps you busy.
Dont listen to them! The voices in your head. Take a break. Dissociate completely from them. Silence those voices. Dont listen. Think of a state of oblivion, of nothingness, of vaccum, of numbness, become a zero. Succumb to a soulful music, think of the almighty, of nature, think of nothing but light, the eternal light. The light that never fades. Think of darkness, like blackhole, become one youself.
Yes this state gives peace, peace of mind.
Break is unavoidable and unforseen. Break away to freedome.
when people tend to go, break free of them, let them go.
Have patience, wait and observe from farthest of corners. Watch them go...
watch them grow small, smaller, smallest...till they become a point.
Watch them come back. Yes they do often!
Break your own ego. Dont just let them come back. Wait, keep distance. Observe.
No one can change the past. But they must make ammends. Observe what they do to set things right. Observe what they have learned. Onserve how they undo their mistakes.
If you see honest efforts honor them. Else....
If you see posing crowd, apply break. Break free, break away.