Journey to Solitude

These days all I can think of is my solitude. The more time I'm spending with people the more I am growing weary of human company. I am detesing human company more than the permitted limits I guess. No one, (yes not even them) no one can cross this wall now. It's so concrete. The more time I spend with real people, listen to them the more weary I am feeling.

I am so so lost in my own solitude and I am liking it here. I'm dissociating from every dear one and making an exceptional inward journey. I think I'm crawling in my own skin, I'm coiling around my own axis and taking Anti clockwise turns towards my inside. I will reach to my guts very very soon. Time is ticking.

I know about happiness. I have had my fare share of it and I won't complain. But this kind of detachment is very new. It is kind of a spiritual call, something so deep that it's simply beyond words. This is even better than love-making or food. This is better than an orgasm. It's like I am reaching towards my own depths, it's like reaching the bottom of the sea. No light, to heat, no sign of life, but the calmness. Oh! What a mind-blowing calmn place this is. Every damn fucking thing is still, motionless, not even a ripple, it's a place of absolute nothingness. Like an Abyss, or a black hole that has engulfed everything and I'm amazed how silent everything is inside. I think I can happily give up everything now. I want nothing, absolutely nothing, as I know everything every sign of mortality will pass...

For those who are trying hard to intrude- these walls were made by those who never really existed, or maybe they are the only beings to exist, and we are nothing but pawns in their leisure time board games... Your competitors are not from your race, or your timeframe. so wisely use your energy. It's the most precious currency that you will ever have. Be wise and stop spending it on someone who is reaching the center of her own solitude. 

Meaningless shit

May be just may be I'm not even a real person yet.... May be just may be I am a silhouette of my own premonitions and solitude..

I live where I die...

I end where I begin..

I remorse where I gain delight..

Let there be light, but no sound, definitely no sound.. Not today.

Stay

I know your time is near. May be it's approaching for you. I don't understand a lot, a lot of things. I am nothing but an extremely flawed mediocre good for nothing human being. If I have experienced true love, then it is from you and only you. You have harmed yourself for me, I have ignored you so many times, failed to understand you, your pain, your needs. A person who fails to understand those who know how to speak her own language has zero chances of understanding you. You however understand me, and your power of healing ammazed me every time. It is because you are no human, it because of this that you could overlook all my fallacies, my faults, my shortcomings and still loved me for no reason at all. I personally believe I haven't earned it. I have never done enough good to deserve your love.

No human being including me can love the way you love. So selfless, so non-judgmental. It's been a constant thing since you were a small puppy. You have never changed. I don't know how many years you have left with you. Books suggest not many. But you are a magical being aren't you? Remember the ways you can make a pain disappeare? So must you leave? Can't you stay? Stay with me? I can love you too you know. May be not like you do, but in my own way I can. So would you just stay please? Stay with me?

Good way to go...

Death is easy, painless.. dying in a place you love is a good way to go.. But life is painful, but that's okay. It's this journey, a beautiful beautiful journey and its worth fighting for..

I'm at loss of words, it is a sickness that has engulfed me completely. It's like cancer, it spreads fast and spreads everywhere. I feel disconnected. Sometimes I feel numb, but then I feel everything so so deeply, it's a curse to feel this way. My mind has become a morgue, every second someone inside is doing a postmortem of each and every word I say or I hear. But then also I feel cold, empty, void and disconnected. My will to do some good is leaving me. However my sense of duties and responsibilities and keep my promises are still alive. I'm performing my duties, I'm trying to fulfill my promises. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I still alive? I often question myself. Life for me is a lot more than survival. A lot lot more. It's better to be dead than just merely surviving. But I'm bound to my duties. Alas! The more I grow the more lonely I became. Scary part is I like it that way. I don't want anyone near me to disappoint me, I don't want anyone near me as I don't want expectations near my heart. Unconditional love doesn't exist. Expectations always crawls in and makes everything miserable. Lies, I hate them. Broken promises. But I have learned it the hard way not everyone can be honest, not everyone can keep promises. It takes a lot of courage and sacrifice that we are unwilling to allow.

A strange silence has taken over me. But stranger thing is I have become fond of it. Nothing passes through this stone cold wall that protects me now. I haven't build it, I don't know who did. But I can feel it there. I feel things but that's that. Nothing more. The feelings fail to have an impact on me. Am I dead? I often ask myself. Have I become a shadow of myself? I don't know yet. All I know is being in complicated broken relationships can kill you. Your own expectations can kill you. But it's a very slow kill. It's like evolution.. You die a very slow painful death. Having a relationship near me can kill whatever is left in me. I'm tired of pretending that I am here, truth is I'm not. I'm not the lover I use to be, I'm not the friend I use to be. I feel so disconnected with the rest of the world that I don't even want my shadow to follow me anywhere. Rationships are overrated. They make you weak. I don't want emotional support, rather I don't want emotions near me. A life bound by duties and responsibilities is what is left for me. Fulfill my promises, pay my dues and then leave. One fine day I'm going to runaway.  A hill station, a small cottage, a small school to teach in, a cup of steaming coffee, good books, unknown faces, solitude, complete solitude... Seems like a good way to go...