Death is easy, painless.. dying in a place you love is a good way to go.. But life is painful, but that's okay. It's this journey, a beautiful beautiful journey and its worth fighting for..
I'm at loss of words, it is a sickness that has engulfed me completely. It's like cancer, it spreads fast and spreads everywhere. I feel disconnected. Sometimes I feel numb, but then I feel everything so so deeply, it's a curse to feel this way. My mind has become a morgue, every second someone inside is doing a postmortem of each and every word I say or I hear. But then also I feel cold, empty, void and disconnected. My will to do some good is leaving me. However my sense of duties and responsibilities and keep my promises are still alive. I'm performing my duties, I'm trying to fulfill my promises. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I still alive? I often question myself. Life for me is a lot more than survival. A lot lot more. It's better to be dead than just merely surviving. But I'm bound to my duties. Alas! The more I grow the more lonely I became. Scary part is I like it that way. I don't want anyone near me to disappoint me, I don't want anyone near me as I don't want expectations near my heart. Unconditional love doesn't exist. Expectations always crawls in and makes everything miserable. Lies, I hate them. Broken promises. But I have learned it the hard way not everyone can be honest, not everyone can keep promises. It takes a lot of courage and sacrifice that we are unwilling to allow.
A strange silence has taken over me. But stranger thing is I have become fond of it. Nothing passes through this stone cold wall that protects me now. I haven't build it, I don't know who did. But I can feel it there. I feel things but that's that. Nothing more. The feelings fail to have an impact on me. Am I dead? I often ask myself. Have I become a shadow of myself? I don't know yet. All I know is being in complicated broken relationships can kill you. Your own expectations can kill you. But it's a very slow kill. It's like evolution.. You die a very slow painful death. Having a relationship near me can kill whatever is left in me. I'm tired of pretending that I am here, truth is I'm not. I'm not the lover I use to be, I'm not the friend I use to be. I feel so disconnected with the rest of the world that I don't even want my shadow to follow me anywhere. Rationships are overrated. They make you weak. I don't want emotional support, rather I don't want emotions near me. A life bound by duties and responsibilities is what is left for me. Fulfill my promises, pay my dues and then leave. One fine day I'm going to runaway. A hill station, a small cottage, a small school to teach in, a cup of steaming coffee, good books, unknown faces, solitude, complete solitude... Seems like a good way to go...
I'm at loss of words, it is a sickness that has engulfed me completely. It's like cancer, it spreads fast and spreads everywhere. I feel disconnected. Sometimes I feel numb, but then I feel everything so so deeply, it's a curse to feel this way. My mind has become a morgue, every second someone inside is doing a postmortem of each and every word I say or I hear. But then also I feel cold, empty, void and disconnected. My will to do some good is leaving me. However my sense of duties and responsibilities and keep my promises are still alive. I'm performing my duties, I'm trying to fulfill my promises. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I still alive? I often question myself. Life for me is a lot more than survival. A lot lot more. It's better to be dead than just merely surviving. But I'm bound to my duties. Alas! The more I grow the more lonely I became. Scary part is I like it that way. I don't want anyone near me to disappoint me, I don't want anyone near me as I don't want expectations near my heart. Unconditional love doesn't exist. Expectations always crawls in and makes everything miserable. Lies, I hate them. Broken promises. But I have learned it the hard way not everyone can be honest, not everyone can keep promises. It takes a lot of courage and sacrifice that we are unwilling to allow.
A strange silence has taken over me. But stranger thing is I have become fond of it. Nothing passes through this stone cold wall that protects me now. I haven't build it, I don't know who did. But I can feel it there. I feel things but that's that. Nothing more. The feelings fail to have an impact on me. Am I dead? I often ask myself. Have I become a shadow of myself? I don't know yet. All I know is being in complicated broken relationships can kill you. Your own expectations can kill you. But it's a very slow kill. It's like evolution.. You die a very slow painful death. Having a relationship near me can kill whatever is left in me. I'm tired of pretending that I am here, truth is I'm not. I'm not the lover I use to be, I'm not the friend I use to be. I feel so disconnected with the rest of the world that I don't even want my shadow to follow me anywhere. Rationships are overrated. They make you weak. I don't want emotional support, rather I don't want emotions near me. A life bound by duties and responsibilities is what is left for me. Fulfill my promises, pay my dues and then leave. One fine day I'm going to runaway. A hill station, a small cottage, a small school to teach in, a cup of steaming coffee, good books, unknown faces, solitude, complete solitude... Seems like a good way to go...
Well written.
ReplyDeleteThank you😊
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