Alien places, alien faces

silence is powerful. It is indeed. It can make and break. It has that much power to reform again. Silence is good, silence is evil. It may lead to peace, it may lead to war. I dont know where my silence is leading me, i hope it leads me to evolution. I guess it is leading me to somewhat dissociation.

Home is always build with people. I find resort where my loved ones are. Home is home only because of the people in it, but when they change, your home becomes discomforting, alien. The comfort zone is much required. If that zone in the mind is in continueum with purterbation, it is not worth the fight. Even the familiar most people change with time, then they become strangers. And even the most revisited places become discomforting. Home is important, the niche not only provides shelter it provides a lot of metal peace. It gives a strong sense of security, a feeling of trust. A feeling of well being.

My home is in me, is with me. I am my home. Apart from that all are hotel rooms. Some stingy, some luxurious, but all alien places. A visit or two is fine, yet i cannot stay there for long. I was searching for a niche for long. Now my journey ended in me. I was born too early, in a wrong planet, among wrong people. Im alien to this world, as this world is alien to me. I dont understand their language, they dont understand mine. I dont belong here. My silence comes from a thirst, thirst to go back to home. Till then im encaged in this soft asylum amongst unfamiliar faces, i lose words as no one here speaks my language.

My friend

Dear,
i know you want to see me happy. I wish the same for you. Its just that time is powerful and tricky. I dont know raa where my smile has gone. My fellow use to tell me i must smile more. He use to tell me my smile reaches to my eyes. My sister told me same thing. My eyes use to smile for me. It has been a long time, since my smile reached my eyes. Dont know why, my happiness is always incomplete these days. I dont no raa why I changed so much. But i did. I wish i could show you how brilliantly my eyes smiled. I wish i could remember how to be that much happy again. Fact is i dont. May be because im living in lies. May be because iv become such a good liar that i lie to myself about my happiness. I lie to myself often that im fine. What to do raa??? Im not sure ofmyself anymore. I cant trust myself anymore. I have been decieving myself for too long. In the act forgot who i truly am, forgot where my happiness lies. 

Expectations and nothings

Expectations kill. They always do. Never expect anything from life. Life is a bitch, it has always been this way.
Numbness is far more reliable. It will never cheat on you, nor it will leave you alone. But life will, in a moment when you want it the most, it will leave you.
Having nothing is good. When you have nothing you are not afraid, you feel free, like you owe everything to yourself. No one else in the universe matters. As a matter of fact no one will.

Expectations on the other hand always hurts in the wrong places. And when you are hoping and dreaming too much your expectations find that place inside you where it stings the most. No one to blame but your self.

Ranita, stop being over enthusiastic, you are an outcast. You must not forget. People may admire your guts, but they will never understand you.

STOP TALKING SO MUCH. YOU MUST STOP COMMUNICATING. STOP! STOP EXPRESSING YOURSELF. STOP EXPECTING YOU DICKHEAD. STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY. ANYONE AND EVERYONE CANNOT FUCK YOU. STOP!STOP BEING SUCH A WHORE!!!!STOP BEING SUCH A MINDSLUT. STOP ASSOCIATING.

Have you forgotten the past???? Have you forgotten how unwelcome you were to the rest of the world???? Not everyone is your elder sister. Even she dumped you and went ahead. You are no object to be loved. See the mirror. You are fat!!! And ugly!! And unimportant. You are always secondary.. Never forget. You must be strong for yourself. Like it or not you have some more years to live through. Dont expect death to come and deliver you from all the evils of life. Dont expect anything.
They hurt you. They will hurt you more. It will make you blind. It will make you dumb. Yes, this will sting. Sting so .uch you will become speechless. Dont worry. You'll get beter.

Go get your pills. And sleep. And earn. And smoke. Smoke till you drop.
Laugh on it ranita. You have forgotten happiness. Dissociate. You deserve to be happy. Expect nothing. You are homeless. You belong to yourself. Dont cheat yourself.

Go out. Catch your breath. You desrve fresh air, you owe it to yourself. 

My laughter, my tearsheds

Dear di,
life would have been lesser complicated with you in it, if we could be in the same city. I would be happier. You were right when you said that day that i dont look happy anymore. Fact is im not. I feel miles apart from everyone. And all the reunions give me heartaches. I so wish that you never had to shift to bangalore. But i know the reality, and i dont believe in cribbing.

Two weeks after two years. Yes last time we met In kolkata in 2013. No news after that. Until now when you have to go back, board the train tommorow. life is calling. I have grown farely disgusted with trains. The way they take my loved ones far away from me.."only to return back????" As they say. Well doubt that. Being skeptical has got under my skin. You are always happiness to me. My comfort corner. My home. With you my roots will also go away, leaving me behind in the four walls were all our childhood and youth days are encaged with me. I wish i could have a family.
But ironically im too much of a damage for any social bond. Relationships are however based on emotions, and even the most damaged people are not deprived of that. You will always be my family. No matter where you go it will always remain with you.

Days of lonliness and disengagement begins again, untill we meet again.

love and more love
bonu.

New phone. New start. Will technology bring us closer???or it will tear us further apart???

the only answer is time.

Anonymous letter to an old memory

You,
yes you. Writing to you old pal. Because you are not going to read. But because tell you somehow i must. My open letter, my confesion.

Somwhere around april,2007:
you are coward. Yes coward, and sheepish. But thats okay, i dont expect you to be perfect. I never did. But you being a hypocrit is what gives me a heatrache. Yes you have so become a hypocrit. Scared of your very own self. How you become one!!!! Im pretty clueless. Yet it feels i have never known you.
There was this very young boy i once knew a young lad with big bright beautiful eyes, that shined into mines with so much of brilliance. Yes i was bedazzaled. I was 270degrees mindfucked then. This boy brought me back to life. I loss my heart to him. Yes, You bitch! I Fucking Loved You. From the core i loved you. I guessed it wasnt the other way round. Never wanted to tell you how i felt for you. Never wanted complications. Your friendship was more than enough for me. I was so damn happy being your friend. Everyday listening to you about your stupid crushes were'nt easy. Especially when the guy is your first ever true love. But no!!!Asshole!!! You had to yeild it out. That very moment of truth took my bestest friend away from me. I miss my friend riju. I mourn our sweet friendship. You know nothing about LOVE.
Love is caring. The care i always had for you. Love is letting go of the one you love. Never have i complained. I just wanted you to be happy. I just wanted our friendship to last. I wanted you to treat me as you treated bamba or somdev. Never i wanted a relashionship with you. I hoped you would treat me like a man, like a brother. Never i wanted to feel like a woman when you were around.
Instead what you did???Made a joke out of me. Laughed behind my back with people. And i thought you were my best friend.
Emotions!!!!Damn you talk about them. You have none. Love, love you talk about. You love none, not even yourself. Otherwise you wont screw yourself.
I slashed open my wrist, not for you moron. I'd never do that.What do you know of me???Nothing. You knew nothing. Did you ever try to find out??? You had any idea how i was mentally and physically abused in my daily life. You were my only space to breath. Ruthlessly you took it away. You announced your verdict. Said You didnt care, and have no role to play in this. Yes you said that. You didnt care if im alive or dead. That day riju i died. I died and so did my love for you.
No i dont hate you. I never can. Whenever i see your face it reminds me of my long gone friend with whom i could feel safe, who i trusted with my life. That boy who could never mislead me, the boy whom i ideolized. The boy who i respected the most in this world. Your face reminds me of him. It also reminds me of of how i become a woman from just a girl. It reminds me of my journey, my own metamorphosis. It reminds me of the best time of my life. I will forever respect you for what you taught me, and for the support, you have contributed a good deal in shaping me up. I had loved you once like a madman, like you were the only object securing my existence. Yes loved you like crazyshit. Loved you in way that i always prayed for your happiness at any cost. I have tried my level best till all of you joined hands to kill me. Iv tasted blood. My own blood. I have watched myself bleed, every single drop coming out slowly of the slashed wrist. Burrying the blades deeper into each skinfold, i witnessed how the world darkens upfront. That is pain, pain that can drive a person insane, that much of blinding excrutiating pain when you fail to feel your limbs being slashed open by sharp metals. Trust me on this. No physical pain can ever amount to that mental pain. I loved myself  extremely. Killing me was'nt easy. How efficiently you turned away your face. That day the love perished.
To disappoint you all i survived, "that bitch" you told yourself. The fact was i didnt. I died to be reborn. I came back stronger. 1000times. I taken an oath to myself. I will rise. I will make myself stronger than iron, i will stand tall. I have lived upto that.

May 2015:
Eight long years have gone. You block my number, i ignore. If you disrepect me i still dont give a damn. If im too annoyed i will not engage in conflict. I have learned to block back. You talk to me nicely i talk back in a nice tone. If you be courteous ill be gentle too. I expect nothing from you. Nothing. Celebrate! One person less on earth to love you or care for you madly. Congrats you have earned this. You have been a good teacher, taught people how to walk over the dead bodies shrugging off your shoulders and tossing the beer cans. You have taught others well to treat living human souls as corps. And it seems there have been so many good learners. Including me.
This is your moment.
Rejoice.

Cloudyyyy

বিভাজন

আমি ভালো ছাত্ৰী ছিলাম, শেখার ইচ্ছা প্ৰবল ছিল মনে. তুমি শেখালে আমি শিখেও নিতাম তারাতারি. তবে তোমার জহুরির চোখ নেই, তুমি তেমন গুরুও নও, অথবা তেমার কাছে আমি এক নিতান্তই অকেজো, নির্গুন...তুমি আমায় শিক্ষাদানের যোগ্য মনেই করোনি কখনো. আগেই ভেবে নিয়েছ পারবনা. হাতে ধরে তাই শেখাওনা কিছুই কোনোদিন. আমায় যে এত অযোগ্য ভাব তাতে আমি খুব আহত হই. হয়ত সত্যিই আমার কোনো যোগ্যতা নেই.
এতদিনেও তুমি আমায় নিজের ভাবতে পারলেনা. দেওয়ালটা শেষে রয়েই গেল আমাদের মধ্যে. আমরা পৃথকই রইলাম.এক হলামনা. তুমি দূরের হয়েই রইলে, আমিও আর কাছের হতে পারলামনা.
সবাই কত ঘুরতে যায়. আমি সবার ছবি দেখি. নিজের ছবি তোলা হবেনা জানি. কথা দিয়েছিলে, রাখার জন্য নয়, কেবল স্তোতবাক্য হিসেবে বলেছিলে. আমি বুঝে গেছি এতদিনে.কম চেষ্টা করিনি. হয়ত অনেক বেশী চেষ্টা করে ফেলেছি বলেই এত ক্লান্তি, হয়ত সে কারণেই আর বলিনা. বলতে ইচ্ছা করেনা. আমি জানি আমার কোনো ইচ্ছার কোনো দাম তোমার কাছে নেই. তাই তোমার ইচ্ছাগুলোও হয়তো আজকাল আর আমার কাছে অত বেশী প্ৰকটতা পায়না. এই তুমি-আমি বিভাজনের  ফলেই হয়ত জীবন খুবই বেরঙীন হয়ে যাচ্ছে. . .
বেরানো তো শুধুই স্থান পরিবর্তন নয়, রোজনামচা থেকে বেরিয়ে একে অপরকে বারতি সময় বারতি সাহচর্য একটু বেশী সঙ্গ দেওয়া. যাতে রোজকার সময়ের ঘাটতিগুলো পুষিয়ে নেওয়া যায়. মুখোমুখি বসে না বলা সবটুকু বুঝিয়ে দেওয়া আর বুঝে নেওয়া যায়.
আমি তোমার কাছে এত দামী কিছু নই. তুমি অনায়াসেই আমার যাবতীয় ইচ্ছেকে অদরকারী ঘোষণা করে ছিঁরে ফেলতে পারো, আমার সব কষ্টকে খারাপলাগাগুলোকে অবহেলা করতে পারো, আমায় দেওয়া সকল প্ৰতিশ্ৰুতি ভেঙে ফেলতে পারো.
তোমার স্তুতিবাক্য অনেক শুনেছি, আর ইচ্ছা করেনা শুনতে..তোমাকে কিছু বোঝানোর তাগিদটাও মরে এসেছে প্ৰায়. এখানে আমি নিজের সাথে নিজেই কথা বলি. আর কারো জন্যে এখানে আমি একটি বর্ণও লিখিনি কখনো.
তোমার যা কিছু তোমারই থাক, আমারটুকু আমার থাক. তুমি আমার সাথে একটি পাও এগোতে চাওনা.আমাদের কোনো ভবিষ্যত নেই...

Mortality and beyond it..

I know one day ill die, just like any other mortal being, i too will perish. I was born that way one day, to grow, to evolve, so that one day all good i have in me would be shed off, the elixir i carry in my heart and soul would be extracted till the very last drop, and then, in that very threshold moment before i become the Worst of myself, death will come to save me. And i will greet him as dear friend, and join him in eternal peace. Mother nature made me this way to start off and then to end.
Yes my friend, all good things come with an end, all that is bad is unworthy they live in a loop. They come back over and over again, they never grow,they just replace their shells.. Thats it. They have no journey, and whatever distance they travel is meaningless.
In physics we know when we start and end at the same point,move in a loophole, our net displacement is zero, which is inconsequential, unworthy.
All that we value is mortal, we know it will perish, hence we care for them, and protect all the mortals with all our streangth and might.
Is it not amazing!!! How mother nature embedded all the beauty in perishable things. When we know that something will end soon we protect it even more. Even in relationships, we are always insecure, affraid of losing our beloveds. In our hearts ee know the relations are most fragile, hence we even end ourselves to protect them. We try so hard to preserve youth only because it is short term.
This is the beauty of being mortal. When you are destined to end one day, the race with time adds more meaning to life. In every second we try to live our entire lives, it creates memories, and we grow fond of them only because we know death would meet us any time and take us away from all that we love, from all that our heart yerns for. Life is worth living because it would end one day. And that one day just like your birthday would make a difference.
If we were mortal we would not value time as we will have enough of it. We will not value anything as we will know that there is no end to US, we would start ignoring everything, everyone, and even the creator, even nature. Soon enough there would be so many of us that there would be no room left for anyone new. No place, no peace, no harmony. Soon enough we would become worse and life would be filled with agony and faces with scars of wartimes. We will.forget to smile, to love.
Love yes love one immortal being that makes our mortality so valuable. Love adds meaning to life. Nothing else can do that. This immortal thing is so old yet so beautiful only because it does not live in a loop. It is indefinite, just like our creator. Only this goodness is so versetile it keeps on metamorphosing and evolving in every nano second. Love is an energy. Yes it is energy indeed, and hence is immortal like time. It cannot be created cannot be destroyed, only changes from one form to other. Information or data however is not immortal. As it can be created, can be destroyed, and in midway however can be hugely manupulated. In each such event a new data is born as the old data dies. I guess thats alright.
I do not wish to be immortal. Never ever. I just want a lovely, happy healthy and peaceful life. So that one day when death comes to set me free i could lie in her soft arms, look straight into her eyes and tell her that my love shall remain and perish away like a sweet refrain.
Till that very day i wish to stay beautifully loved and loving. Till that day i keep contributing my Inner and outer beauty to this beautiful world.

P.S: She will always remain more beautiful to me. 

Cloths, belongings and your reminissence.

Everyday, let it be like this. Let one piece of your cloth be left with me.
A lucky piece of fabric that clung to your very soft skin, that sucked in all the fluids each time you perspired,and in a process become one with the perfume of your beauty and your silky touch. Even before you could notice it became a piece of you.
leave one such piece with me everyday, every now and then. Leave it with me.

Every morning when you start off for work,each time the call ends with fading echos of your sweet voice, my heart yearns, it yearns and awaits for you to to return by the end of the day. It yearns for the regular sunset, a time in the day when you are likely to come by. Also everynight when you leave for your home my heart again yearns for the time when you will come back. Yes the yearning is so fearce that the whole time laps in between is counted in a rhythmic nano second. And each unite feels like infinnity.

Both of us use to be free, free like birdies, flying randomly here and there, as sky never had a limit, now at times we cannot deny that we feel bound, enchained. But not caged my dear, we can never be caged. We are free souls, we were atoms, atoms of one element,of faminity, of nature. May be like isotops. We only bonded to become a molecule. To gain stability.
Think of a free bird, she has to come back to her nest by the end of the day after all. When the lights go off she needs to retire to her comfort corner too. Only that cozy,comforting, lovable resting place can give her peace, and replenish her with new energy, energy that is much of a necessity to keep her up in the air, to help her sustain through the day of long, tiring flights. Reaching the havens afterall is a laborious journey,it requires streangth. Streangth that comes from inner peace, and contentment, and A stable mind.
We all need a nest, a stable safehouse. We are that nest to one another. We fly away as we are explorers, we come back home only to justify our quest. All your roads end in me, all my paths bend back to you.

So why leave a piece???Why a used fabric??why such a material attachment???

Yes, one must be wondering why. As they are drentched with your essence. Every night i would like to burry my nose in them like i do usually burry my nose in your chest, or in your neck where your manes are a little thicker and unassorted. I will burry my face and inhale your smell, i will wrap my arms around them and feel your touch.
I would take them as a compensation for your absense. The nights we spend together are surreal, those nights are rare. But on regular nights when i still need you to put myself to sleep, these pieces of you would aid my restlessness. They will bring YOU to ME………

আদুরি

আদুরিয়া সকাল...
যেইদিন সকালে সূৰ্য্য ফোটা আলোয় ঘুম ভেঙে চোখ মেলেই আমি তোমার মুখটা দেখতে পাই, যেসব সকালে তন্দ্রা ভেঙেই অনুভব করি তোমার নরম শরীর স্পৰ্শ, সেসমস্ত সকালকেই আমি এই নামে ডাকি.
আমি তোমার আদুরে নরম মেঘপুঞ্জ যে..
আমার জীবনের প্ৰতিটি সকালেরই তো এমনটাই হওয়ার কথা ছিল..
কে??? কে ও????  কে বা কারা আমার সুখে ভাগ বসায়??? কোন সব শয়তানের দল আমার আদুরি সকাল চুরি করে পালায়???
ওদের মরণ নেই???

ফিরে দেখা

আজ খুব ফিরে যেতে ইচ্ছে করছে দশ বছর আগের সেই দিনটায়.
স্কুলের সেই গেটের ভিতরে শেডের নীচটায় জলের কলগুলোর পাশে ঐ নোটিস বোর্ডের সামনেটায়..ঐখানটায় ঐ জীন্সের নীল জ্যাকেট পরা মেয়েটার সামনে দাঁরিয়ে আমিও একটা নীল শারী পরে ঠিক ওর গালে চুমু খাওয়ার আগের মুহূৰ্তটায় ওকে ভীষণ জরিয়ে ধরতে চাই..
তখন কি আর জানতাম প্রথম প্রেম নিয়ে প্রথম চুমুটা আসবে তারই পক্ষ থেকে!!!!তখন কি জানতাম এই চুমুগুলোই আমার আজীবনের প্রাপ্তি হবে.

আজ তোকে পুরোনো দিনে ফিরে গিয়ে আদর করতে ইচ্ছে করছে খুব..

সখী নিয়ে চল আমারে...

উপহার-The gifts

প্রিয়,
তোমার দোষগুলোর প্ৰতি আজকাল আমার সহনশীলতা খানিক বেরেছে. আজকাল তুমি দেরী করে এলে একইরকম রাগ, দুঃখ, অভিমান হয় বটে তবে আগের মতন তীব্ৰ তীক্ষ্ণ দীৰ্ঘস্থায়ী খারাপলাগাগুলো আর নেই. তুমি খানিক সাধ্য সাধনা করলে আমি মেনে যাই. আগের মতন জেদ ধরে বসে থাকিনা. আমার এহেন পরিবর্তন তুমি খেয়াল করেছ কিনা জানিনা, তবে আমি বুঝেছি তোমার প্ৰতি আমার ঘৃণার তীব্ৰতা কমেছে, ভালোবাসার  তীব্ৰতা বৃদ্ধি পাচ্ছে ধীরে...
আমি আর আগের মতন অসুস্থ হয়ে পরছিনা.  সেরে উঠছি ক্ৰমে..
এতে আমার কোনো হাত নেই, পুরোটাই তোমার ভালোবাসার গুণে. আমার জীবনে তোমার ভালোবাসা ফিরে আসছে ক্রমে.এজীবনে ঐ একটি বস্তুর উপরেই আমার যাবতীয় লোভ, আমার একমাত্ৰ জাগ্ৰত কামনা ও বাসনার বিষয়.
জীবরে যা কিছুর আকাঙ্খা করে মানুষ তার সমস্ত স্বত্বা দিয়ে, তার প্রাপ্তি হলে সে আপনি শান্ত হয়ে ওঠে, ব্যাধি মুক্ত হয়ে ওঠে. আমিও তেমনি তোমার আদরস্পর্শে সেরে উঠছি.
সেদিন রাতে যে অপরাধটা করলে তাতে শুলে চরানোর  মতন রাগ হচ্ছিল, তবু অত বেসামাল হয়ে পরলামনা.. তুমি বেশ কিছুক্ষণ মানানোর পরে মেনে গেলাম. তারপর.আদর নেমে এল  যেই সব ক্লান্তি সব.দুঃখ নিমেষে উধাও হল.
তোমায় চলে যেতে দিতে হবে এই দুঃখটাই খুব গভীর হয়ে উঠল  তখন. খানিক  দেরীতে হলেও যেতে দিতে পারলাম. আগে হলে পারতামনা একেবারেই. ছারতে ভরসা ছিলনা. ফিরবনা আর, ভাববেনা একবারো আমায়, এমনসব বিপদের আসঙ্কায় আমি কাঁটা হয়ে থাকতাম, এই ভয়েতেই আমাকে এমন হিংস্র করে তুলত. এ তোমারই ভালোবাসার গুণ আমার সে হিংস্র  স্বভাব পোষ মেনেছে.

বউ বলে যখন ডাকো ভেতরে ভেতরে যেন গলে আমি জল হয়ে যাই. জীবনে এমন গায়ে কাঁটা জাগানো এমন সুখজাগানিয়া ডাক আর শুনিনি কখনো. এমনি করেই ডেকো আজীবন. এমনি করেই থেকো.

আমায় পোষ মানানো খুব সহজ কাজ নয়. তবে সত্ ভালোবাসার অসাধ্য কিছুই নেই. এমন সততার সঙ্গেই ভালোবেসো. সত্য হয়ে থেকো আমার জীবনে.

একটা চারকোল, একটা পেনসিল, তোমার ছাদের গাছের একটা লেবু, তোমার নিজে হাতে.বানানো একতা বাক্স, একটা আমায় নিয়ে লেখা কবিতা, অথবা একটি হাতে আঁকা ছবি, এসকল উপহহার কোনো যক্ষীর ধনের  চেয়ে কল কিসে????

এসকল যে ভালোবাসার  চিন্হ, যেমন প্ৰতিটি আদরের দাগ আমি গয়না মনে করে পরে থাকি.দামী গয়নার চেয়ে ঐ দাগগুলোই তো আমার সৌন্দৰ্যায়নের পরম উপকরণ, ওদের ছারা কি আমার সাজ সম্পূৰ্ণ হয় না হতে পারে???

ছোটো ছোটো সুখের মতন তুমি ছোটো ছোটো উপহারে আজকাল ভরিয়ে রাখো আমাকে, আমিও তাই এমন ভরে উঠেছি..

জীবনের রোজনামচা একঘেয়েমিগুলোও যার সঙ্গে খুব ভালোলাগে সেই প্ৰকৃত জীবনসঙ্গী, তাকে জীবনে একবারই পাওয়া যায়, তাক বেঁধে রাখা তাই খুব জরুরি. জীবনের এই একটিমাত্র ব্যাক্তিই কেবল প্ৰতিস্থাপনযোগ্য নয়.

উপহারগুলো থাকুক, হঠাত উপহার  দেওয়ার এই রেওয়াজটাও চলতে থাক. তুমি আমায় জীবনে এমন অনেক কিছু দিতে পারো যা অমূল্য, পৃথিবীর সকল সম্পদ মিলেও যার সমতূল্য হতে পারবেনা  কোনোদিন.

এমনিই ভালোবেসো. পাল্টে যেওনা.

তোমার তোর্সা.

Cheers! To life, to the lamp, and to us.

Be with me till the end of times.

I love you, i accept. I always will. I know you love me too. We are pretty helpless. We can never stop loving eachother.

We must'nt try. Never ever.

lets end all objections raised. You and me, together till eternity.

p.s: I love you more. My Gomzi.