You,
yes you. Writing to you old pal. Because you are not going to read. But because tell you somehow i must. My open letter, my confesion.
Somwhere around april,2007:
you are coward. Yes coward, and sheepish. But thats okay, i dont expect you to be perfect. I never did. But you being a hypocrit is what gives me a heatrache. Yes you have so become a hypocrit. Scared of your very own self. How you become one!!!! Im pretty clueless. Yet it feels i have never known you.
There was this very young boy i once knew a young lad with big bright beautiful eyes, that shined into mines with so much of brilliance. Yes i was bedazzaled. I was 270degrees mindfucked then. This boy brought me back to life. I loss my heart to him. Yes, You bitch! I Fucking Loved You. From the core i loved you. I guessed it wasnt the other way round. Never wanted to tell you how i felt for you. Never wanted complications. Your friendship was more than enough for me. I was so damn happy being your friend. Everyday listening to you about your stupid crushes were'nt easy. Especially when the guy is your first ever true love. But no!!!Asshole!!! You had to yeild it out. That very moment of truth took my bestest friend away from me. I miss my friend riju. I mourn our sweet friendship. You know nothing about LOVE.
Love is caring. The care i always had for you. Love is letting go of the one you love. Never have i complained. I just wanted you to be happy. I just wanted our friendship to last. I wanted you to treat me as you treated bamba or somdev. Never i wanted a relashionship with you. I hoped you would treat me like a man, like a brother. Never i wanted to feel like a woman when you were around.
Instead what you did???Made a joke out of me. Laughed behind my back with people. And i thought you were my best friend.
Emotions!!!!Damn you talk about them. You have none. Love, love you talk about. You love none, not even yourself. Otherwise you wont screw yourself.
I slashed open my wrist, not for you moron. I'd never do that.What do you know of me???Nothing. You knew nothing. Did you ever try to find out??? You had any idea how i was mentally and physically abused in my daily life. You were my only space to breath. Ruthlessly you took it away. You announced your verdict. Said You didnt care, and have no role to play in this. Yes you said that. You didnt care if im alive or dead. That day riju i died. I died and so did my love for you.
No i dont hate you. I never can. Whenever i see your face it reminds me of my long gone friend with whom i could feel safe, who i trusted with my life. That boy who could never mislead me, the boy whom i ideolized. The boy who i respected the most in this world. Your face reminds me of him. It also reminds me of of how i become a woman from just a girl. It reminds me of my journey, my own metamorphosis. It reminds me of the best time of my life. I will forever respect you for what you taught me, and for the support, you have contributed a good deal in shaping me up. I had loved you once like a madman, like you were the only object securing my existence. Yes loved you like crazyshit. Loved you in way that i always prayed for your happiness at any cost. I have tried my level best till all of you joined hands to kill me. Iv tasted blood. My own blood. I have watched myself bleed, every single drop coming out slowly of the slashed wrist. Burrying the blades deeper into each skinfold, i witnessed how the world darkens upfront. That is pain, pain that can drive a person insane, that much of blinding excrutiating pain when you fail to feel your limbs being slashed open by sharp metals. Trust me on this. No physical pain can ever amount to that mental pain. I loved myself extremely. Killing me was'nt easy. How efficiently you turned away your face. That day the love perished.
To disappoint you all i survived, "that bitch" you told yourself. The fact was i didnt. I died to be reborn. I came back stronger. 1000times. I taken an oath to myself. I will rise. I will make myself stronger than iron, i will stand tall. I have lived upto that.
May 2015:
Eight long years have gone. You block my number, i ignore. If you disrepect me i still dont give a damn. If im too annoyed i will not engage in conflict. I have learned to block back. You talk to me nicely i talk back in a nice tone. If you be courteous ill be gentle too. I expect nothing from you. Nothing. Celebrate! One person less on earth to love you or care for you madly. Congrats you have earned this. You have been a good teacher, taught people how to walk over the dead bodies shrugging off your shoulders and tossing the beer cans. You have taught others well to treat living human souls as corps. And it seems there have been so many good learners. Including me.
This is your moment.
Rejoice.
Cloudyyyy
yes you. Writing to you old pal. Because you are not going to read. But because tell you somehow i must. My open letter, my confesion.
Somwhere around april,2007:
you are coward. Yes coward, and sheepish. But thats okay, i dont expect you to be perfect. I never did. But you being a hypocrit is what gives me a heatrache. Yes you have so become a hypocrit. Scared of your very own self. How you become one!!!! Im pretty clueless. Yet it feels i have never known you.
There was this very young boy i once knew a young lad with big bright beautiful eyes, that shined into mines with so much of brilliance. Yes i was bedazzaled. I was 270degrees mindfucked then. This boy brought me back to life. I loss my heart to him. Yes, You bitch! I Fucking Loved You. From the core i loved you. I guessed it wasnt the other way round. Never wanted to tell you how i felt for you. Never wanted complications. Your friendship was more than enough for me. I was so damn happy being your friend. Everyday listening to you about your stupid crushes were'nt easy. Especially when the guy is your first ever true love. But no!!!Asshole!!! You had to yeild it out. That very moment of truth took my bestest friend away from me. I miss my friend riju. I mourn our sweet friendship. You know nothing about LOVE.
Love is caring. The care i always had for you. Love is letting go of the one you love. Never have i complained. I just wanted you to be happy. I just wanted our friendship to last. I wanted you to treat me as you treated bamba or somdev. Never i wanted a relashionship with you. I hoped you would treat me like a man, like a brother. Never i wanted to feel like a woman when you were around.
Instead what you did???Made a joke out of me. Laughed behind my back with people. And i thought you were my best friend.
Emotions!!!!Damn you talk about them. You have none. Love, love you talk about. You love none, not even yourself. Otherwise you wont screw yourself.
I slashed open my wrist, not for you moron. I'd never do that.What do you know of me???Nothing. You knew nothing. Did you ever try to find out??? You had any idea how i was mentally and physically abused in my daily life. You were my only space to breath. Ruthlessly you took it away. You announced your verdict. Said You didnt care, and have no role to play in this. Yes you said that. You didnt care if im alive or dead. That day riju i died. I died and so did my love for you.
No i dont hate you. I never can. Whenever i see your face it reminds me of my long gone friend with whom i could feel safe, who i trusted with my life. That boy who could never mislead me, the boy whom i ideolized. The boy who i respected the most in this world. Your face reminds me of him. It also reminds me of of how i become a woman from just a girl. It reminds me of my journey, my own metamorphosis. It reminds me of the best time of my life. I will forever respect you for what you taught me, and for the support, you have contributed a good deal in shaping me up. I had loved you once like a madman, like you were the only object securing my existence. Yes loved you like crazyshit. Loved you in way that i always prayed for your happiness at any cost. I have tried my level best till all of you joined hands to kill me. Iv tasted blood. My own blood. I have watched myself bleed, every single drop coming out slowly of the slashed wrist. Burrying the blades deeper into each skinfold, i witnessed how the world darkens upfront. That is pain, pain that can drive a person insane, that much of blinding excrutiating pain when you fail to feel your limbs being slashed open by sharp metals. Trust me on this. No physical pain can ever amount to that mental pain. I loved myself extremely. Killing me was'nt easy. How efficiently you turned away your face. That day the love perished.
To disappoint you all i survived, "that bitch" you told yourself. The fact was i didnt. I died to be reborn. I came back stronger. 1000times. I taken an oath to myself. I will rise. I will make myself stronger than iron, i will stand tall. I have lived upto that.
May 2015:
Eight long years have gone. You block my number, i ignore. If you disrepect me i still dont give a damn. If im too annoyed i will not engage in conflict. I have learned to block back. You talk to me nicely i talk back in a nice tone. If you be courteous ill be gentle too. I expect nothing from you. Nothing. Celebrate! One person less on earth to love you or care for you madly. Congrats you have earned this. You have been a good teacher, taught people how to walk over the dead bodies shrugging off your shoulders and tossing the beer cans. You have taught others well to treat living human souls as corps. And it seems there have been so many good learners. Including me.
This is your moment.
Rejoice.
Cloudyyyy
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