Parting words to the dumbfuck heart

Well right here, right now, right at this moment I am burying you my dear heart along with all the things that you feel. Sorry but an't carry the burden of your dead body anymore. So, from now on you'll just have to be confided here. I have responsibilities, commitments and duties. Things that are way more important than you and your stupid dumb emotions. All my life I've been good to you, taken care of you and fulfilled every single thing that you have ever asked for. But here I stop. I have a lot of unfinished business and I am done with your baggage for this life. You shall love no more, you shall not hurt me anymore, you must not show me fake unworthy possibilities anymore. Today at this very moment I forbid myself to love or to feel.
If you dare to bother me with feelings, pain and mysery ever again I swear I will watch my body bleed to death once again. The next time you love I swear it will be the last day I will allow myself to see sunlight. I swear. You shall love no more, if you do you shall live no more. Fuck people, screw them, hang around but no more allowing them inside. People are not meant to be trusted. People don't understand you, and those who do to a little extent never care enough to choose you. So don't plead for people. Choose dogs, i promise I'll approve anyone who move on four legs, yes even chairs. Shut the fuck up and Good bye. 

The worst missing

The worst missing is missing your own self.
Sometimes all you need is a shoulder, a shoulder to cry on. Arms that will wrap you in them and not try to trace the reasons behind your tears. Sometimes all you need is a friend who will not judge you and just let you be shattered, miserable, insane and broken. Someone who will tell you it's okay, it's okay to cry out as loud as you want, it's okay to feel betrayed, hurt, broken and weak, it's okay to feel miserable, to feel human. That friend in my life doesn't exist. I neither have such shoulders nor such arms anywhere near. It's always been me licking my own wounds, and it's always been me telling myself it's okay to lick your own wounds too. It's okay to be alone, isolated and even secluded. The worst missing is missing those own hands to wipe down the tears rolling down.
Everyone else will tell you that you are a strong independent person. And strong as you are strong like steel you must not melt, you must not allow yourself to become weak, to feel hurt, to feel lonely, to feel human... The world outside will praise you for your strength and crucify you from deviating from the standards they have set for you at the same time. Yes, you'll be exploited for being strong, as you are not allowed to have a weird moment. The world will suffocate you for not being the perfect resource machine that the religious gods have designed you to be and soon you earn your place amongst the scraps.

The worst missing is missing your own flesh and blood. The worst missing is missing your inner smile that had always danced to the tunes of your breath. The worst missing is missing the person you first fell in love with ever- the person who always smiled back at you from the mirror.

Rainy days and the reminiscence of old memoirs

Remember those days when you were a child?
Ofcourse you do! Remember how you loved cold wet rain, and free rainclouds? You couldn't forget them. Can you?
Those oozing dark clouds and drops of water flowing down yes what bliss it used to be.. you'll ignore the world and burry your head in your knees and get drenched like a hopeless fool fully aware that you are going to get severely beaten up, beaten up for having a moment of happiness all to yourself. The smell of freshly rain-kissed soil, of water drops, of green leaves soaked with love..... Yes it was very close to happiness then.

But then you are strong, you always have been, you had to be... Always. You became so outrageously strong that you had to outgrow yourself as quickly as you could blink and walla! What a great impermeable wall you have made out of yourself...
Like all the rational robots out there you find rainclouds depressing now. Oh yes! It is after all a severe depression that leads to thunderstorms and you like all those mature grown up robots out there are too old for masochism now.

So yes rainy days are different now. You must rush home, change your wet clothes, even your wet skin. Reach out for the most absorbant piece of shit you can get your hands on and dry yourself to the core as fast as you can, because you can't let those moisture drops contaminate the reminiscence of your fading half insane half evolved brain now. You hate rain as much as you hate your weaker self.

You have convinced yourself that having some moisture near you will kill you, and so will relationships. Good that you grew up. Good that you chose survival over life. Congratulations your smile will never reach out to your eyes anymore. You've successfully kissed all the clouds goodbye.

অপেক্ষায় থাকি,
কখন তুমি নৈরাজ্যের স্বর্গ ভেদ করে, ফিরে আসবে ঘরে‌।

জীবনে প্রাচুর্য বলতে প্রেম।
তুমি এখন বান্ধবীদের হাত ধরে পড়ন্ত বিকেল।
অথবা ট্রাম লাইন পিছনে ফেলে, পোস্টার সাঁটা দেওল লিখন।
বলা তো যায়না কিছুই।

দেখছনা একের পর এক আকুতি।
মুঠোফোনের মুখ জুড়ে বয়ে চলেছে 'মিসড্ কল'।
কখন থেকে ডাক পাঠাচ্ছি তোমায়।
পাহাড় পাহাড় বুক পেরিয়ে,
কিছুই পৌঁছোচ্ছেনা তো কানে।

সস্তা শাড়ির আঁচল ঘুরে এল কোমড়।
ঢাল পেরোলেই জানি,
প্রতিদিনই ইতিউতি শক্ত হচ্ছো তুমি,
নোনা গন্ধে, মিষ্টি গন্ধে, স্বাদবদলের গন্ধে।

ধুয়ে রাখলাম চাল, বেঁধে নিলাম চুলও।
ছাড়ানো আলুর গায়ে ফুটছে,
মুসুরির ডালগুলো
টগবগিয়ে, পাংশু কড়াই জলে।

মাপছো শরীর হাজার কোটি,
ছাইয়ের পসরা সাজানো ফুটপাথ এ।
এদিকে তাকাও, শোনো,
ঘর তবু ঘরই থাকে।

শব্দতৃষা নিয়ে
আমি  বসে থাকি,
মুহূৰ্তের কাছে..
যে মুহূর্তে কোনো ক্ষিদে নেই,
কোনো চাওয়া নেই, কোনো দাবী নেই..
কোনো ক্ষীণ শরীর নেই,
কোনো দ্ৰুত সঙ্গম নেই,
কোনো ব্যস্ত চুম্বন নেই..
যে মুহূৰ্তের
শুধু আকুতি আছে,
স্পৰ্শকাতর শব্দ আছে,
প্রকাশস্পৃহা আছে..
ব্রহ্মান্ডের  সেই সকল
মুহূর্তযোনির কাছে,
আমার অপার ঋণভার নিয়ে,
আমি বসে থাকি অবিচল..
এমন ঋণশোধকে
তুমি কবিতা বলে জেনো,
প্রেম বলে জেনো..

ভালোলাগার সব রেশটুকু এখনো লেগে আছে মনে।
যেভাবে লেগে থাকে শিশিরের ওম্,
ভেজা ঘাসের শরীর জুড়ে, সঙ্গোপনে..

বাকি আছে.... তোমার‍ও আমার কাছে...

কে বলে তুমি ভালো? কে জানে আমি মন্দ? কে মানে সব চাওয়াগুলো সবদিনে পাওয়া হতে নেই? কে বলে তোমার দেওয়ার কিছু নেই? কে জানে আমার কত বাকি আছে ঋণ?

তোমার চাপা কান্না, আমার ভেজা বালিশ, তোমার বোবা শব্দ, আমার বেবাক যা কিছু ‌‌ঋণাত্মক, তার সবটুকু আজ দূরত্ব থেকেও অনেক অনেক দূরের। দ্বিধা দ্বন্ধ আজ সকল ছন্দহীন।

তুমি ভাবো তোমার কিছু হারানোর নেই। আমি ভাবি আমার ভাবের ঘর ফুরিয়ে এল প্রায়। ভাবতে ভাবতে তো দুজনেই ভেসে যাই আবহমান স্রোতে। তুমি কি জানোনা বাধাহীন ভেসে চলা আসলে তো ডুবে যাওয়া ই। অতলের গভীরতা কেই বা মাপতে পারে? শূন‍্যে ভেসে যাওয়া আসলে কি ডুবে যাওয়া নয়?

সময় চলে বৃত্তের পথে পথে। একটি বাঁকে তুমি, একটি বাঁকে আমি। আমাদের তাই সকল চাল ব‍্যাঁকা, চলন আরো বক্রদো‌ষে দোষী। তোমার ভুলে যাওয়ার রোগ, আর আমার রোগ মনে রাখার। অসুখের কথা ভাবলে অসুখ বাড়ে। সুখের দৈর্ঘ্য মাপলে সুখ কমে যায়।

কিছু কিছু দিন এমনি মিলনসার। কিছু কিছু রাত ইচ্ছেপূরণের। তুমি যাকে চেন সেটুকুই শুধু আমি? আমি যাকে দেখি সেটুকুই শুধু তুমি? আমরা কি তবে এতটা‍ই সংজ্ঞাত? এত‍ই সরল? এতটাই সহজাত? কে জানে আমার স্বপ্নের গতিবেগ? কে বলে তোমার ক্ষয়িষ্ণু বাস্তব?

আমার শরীর কেবল আমার ঘর। তোমার দেহে একলা থাকো তুমি। মুঠোফোনের দুইপাড়ে শুয়ে শুয়ে, কখনো তুমি জাগো, কখনো আমি। আদূরি আঙ্গুলে সব কথা ঘর বাঁধে। কে বলে আমরা যাযাবর গৃহহীন?  কেউ তো পড়েনা স্পর্শকাতর চিঠি। কে চেনে তোমার শব্দের অবয়ব?

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken...
Hello! I'm the lie living for you so you can hide...
Don't cry...

Journey to Solitude

These days all I can think of is my solitude. The more time I'm spending with people the more I am growing weary of human company. I am detesing human company more than the permitted limits I guess. No one, (yes not even them) no one can cross this wall now. It's so concrete. The more time I spend with real people, listen to them the more weary I am feeling.

I am so so lost in my own solitude and I am liking it here. I'm dissociating from every dear one and making an exceptional inward journey. I think I'm crawling in my own skin, I'm coiling around my own axis and taking Anti clockwise turns towards my inside. I will reach to my guts very very soon. Time is ticking.

I know about happiness. I have had my fare share of it and I won't complain. But this kind of detachment is very new. It is kind of a spiritual call, something so deep that it's simply beyond words. This is even better than love-making or food. This is better than an orgasm. It's like I am reaching towards my own depths, it's like reaching the bottom of the sea. No light, to heat, no sign of life, but the calmness. Oh! What a mind-blowing calmn place this is. Every damn fucking thing is still, motionless, not even a ripple, it's a place of absolute nothingness. Like an Abyss, or a black hole that has engulfed everything and I'm amazed how silent everything is inside. I think I can happily give up everything now. I want nothing, absolutely nothing, as I know everything every sign of mortality will pass...

For those who are trying hard to intrude- these walls were made by those who never really existed, or maybe they are the only beings to exist, and we are nothing but pawns in their leisure time board games... Your competitors are not from your race, or your timeframe. so wisely use your energy. It's the most precious currency that you will ever have. Be wise and stop spending it on someone who is reaching the center of her own solitude. 

Meaningless shit

May be just may be I'm not even a real person yet.... May be just may be I am a silhouette of my own premonitions and solitude..

I live where I die...

I end where I begin..

I remorse where I gain delight..

Let there be light, but no sound, definitely no sound.. Not today.

Stay

I know your time is near. May be it's approaching for you. I don't understand a lot, a lot of things. I am nothing but an extremely flawed mediocre good for nothing human being. If I have experienced true love, then it is from you and only you. You have harmed yourself for me, I have ignored you so many times, failed to understand you, your pain, your needs. A person who fails to understand those who know how to speak her own language has zero chances of understanding you. You however understand me, and your power of healing ammazed me every time. It is because you are no human, it because of this that you could overlook all my fallacies, my faults, my shortcomings and still loved me for no reason at all. I personally believe I haven't earned it. I have never done enough good to deserve your love.

No human being including me can love the way you love. So selfless, so non-judgmental. It's been a constant thing since you were a small puppy. You have never changed. I don't know how many years you have left with you. Books suggest not many. But you are a magical being aren't you? Remember the ways you can make a pain disappeare? So must you leave? Can't you stay? Stay with me? I can love you too you know. May be not like you do, but in my own way I can. So would you just stay please? Stay with me?

Good way to go...

Death is easy, painless.. dying in a place you love is a good way to go.. But life is painful, but that's okay. It's this journey, a beautiful beautiful journey and its worth fighting for..

I'm at loss of words, it is a sickness that has engulfed me completely. It's like cancer, it spreads fast and spreads everywhere. I feel disconnected. Sometimes I feel numb, but then I feel everything so so deeply, it's a curse to feel this way. My mind has become a morgue, every second someone inside is doing a postmortem of each and every word I say or I hear. But then also I feel cold, empty, void and disconnected. My will to do some good is leaving me. However my sense of duties and responsibilities and keep my promises are still alive. I'm performing my duties, I'm trying to fulfill my promises. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I still alive? I often question myself. Life for me is a lot more than survival. A lot lot more. It's better to be dead than just merely surviving. But I'm bound to my duties. Alas! The more I grow the more lonely I became. Scary part is I like it that way. I don't want anyone near me to disappoint me, I don't want anyone near me as I don't want expectations near my heart. Unconditional love doesn't exist. Expectations always crawls in and makes everything miserable. Lies, I hate them. Broken promises. But I have learned it the hard way not everyone can be honest, not everyone can keep promises. It takes a lot of courage and sacrifice that we are unwilling to allow.

A strange silence has taken over me. But stranger thing is I have become fond of it. Nothing passes through this stone cold wall that protects me now. I haven't build it, I don't know who did. But I can feel it there. I feel things but that's that. Nothing more. The feelings fail to have an impact on me. Am I dead? I often ask myself. Have I become a shadow of myself? I don't know yet. All I know is being in complicated broken relationships can kill you. Your own expectations can kill you. But it's a very slow kill. It's like evolution.. You die a very slow painful death. Having a relationship near me can kill whatever is left in me. I'm tired of pretending that I am here, truth is I'm not. I'm not the lover I use to be, I'm not the friend I use to be. I feel so disconnected with the rest of the world that I don't even want my shadow to follow me anywhere. Rationships are overrated. They make you weak. I don't want emotional support, rather I don't want emotions near me. A life bound by duties and responsibilities is what is left for me. Fulfill my promises, pay my dues and then leave. One fine day I'm going to runaway.  A hill station, a small cottage, a small school to teach in, a cup of steaming coffee, good books, unknown faces, solitude, complete solitude... Seems like a good way to go...

ছায়ার নিচে শুয়ে থাকে ছায়ার কবিতা,
তার‌ও নিচে শুয়ে থাকে নদী।
নাবিক নেমে এস খাতের নাভীতে,
সমুদ্র খুঁজে পাও যদি।

তল নেই যার সেই অতলকে ছুঁয়ে,
মৈথুণগ্রন্থিতে নামো।
যে স্পর্শে কাতরতা ছেরে দেয় ঘর,
তার আঙ্গুলের কাছে থামো।

জড় ছায়াদেহ বড় মৌনমুখর,
জলদেহে ভাসমান সুখ।
নদীখাতে জেগে থাকে শব্দতনয়া,
বুকে জাগে নাবিকের মুখ।

scary nights back again

feels like your delhi days are back.....

same old all day work then sleep routine....

calls in traces, glimpse of you fading.....

I donno how long I can hold on and keep pushing myself. I fear I may drift soon enough... 

nothing and more

sometimes being silent isn't a choice.. letting go is never easy, but it becomes mandatory sometimes.. sometimes nothing makes you happy or even content.. and you feel lost, you don't feel like you anymore....

the journey to the end has began....

I long to reach that space where my heart becomes as silent as my thoughts...

nothing more to gain, nothing more to lose....

freedom

it feels so damn good to end this chapter.. finally I'm free... it feels so damn good to be able to move on in life..
cheers!!! to freedom...
I hope ill never see/ hear from you ever again...
Thank you so much for leaving.. please don't bother looking back.. 

মন খারাপের ঘর,
বলা কথার ফুরায় অবসর।

মাথার উপর মেঘ,
বৃথাই বারে মনের গতিবেগ।

অপ্রস্তুতির শেষে,
বৃষ্টি এসে ঠোঁটের পাড়ে মেশে।

একলা অালোয় খুঁজি,
এমনি করেই ভুলে যাওয়া যায় বুঝি!

the beginning of end

All that has an end, all that is mortal, is beautiful.. just because one day it will perish, just because it will not be concurrently glorified with unjustifiable infinity... everything that is mortal is more meaningful and precious....

My dear, we shared great times together,  great laughs and great sorrows... time has tested us with its best weapons and we have stayed strong like tall trees facing thunder rains.... we have been most genuine to each other...

The end approaches and we must part ways. be well. till we meet again in some other life... where you are more you, and I'm more of myself...

P.S: I love you. But love isn't enough to wake the dead from their sleep.. I thank god for that. dead are ugly, scary, they lurk like a ghost. let us be remembered forever in sweet memoirs, touchy poetries, and soulful music like all other beautiful things that perished in right time.

Let them tell our tales that begins with "once upon a time, in a land not so far away......."

nonsense revisited

so, there she is..
sitting there silently...
voices, too many voices speaking inside her head.... insecure, unsure of herself she doesn't want to listen anymore..
everyone have their own burden...
she is largely blessed with her own...

Now, she is looking at her phone...
empty wallpapers, social posts, random messeges, all of it fails to touch her....

she isn't game anymore...

"so, what are you thinking? "- the world enquires.... she screams out to reach a reply... she wishes she could talk to someone, someone who could be trusted with a blindfold on....
"nothing ".....

she smiles...

empty inside

perfect life! perfect lie!

oh! what a maskarade party life is..

weed... cleans of every single drop that my heart cries... weeps...
hollow and empty inside... I laugh.. what else can I do? but laugh at myself..

love! half hearted..
life! unsuccessful...
friends! misunderstanding...
family!  wondering...
neighbours! invisible...
No matter how hard I try, I cant please anyone... no one can ever understand me... im but too complicated... so go on. leave me.. let me slip through your fingers too... they all did... void seems fuller now.. I don't lick my wounds.. I prefer them open.. reminds me how stupid I am.. no one else to blame but myself... morbidity... embrace me...