Stay

I know your time is near. May be it's approaching for you. I don't understand a lot, a lot of things. I am nothing but an extremely flawed mediocre good for nothing human being. If I have experienced true love, then it is from you and only you. You have harmed yourself for me, I have ignored you so many times, failed to understand you, your pain, your needs. A person who fails to understand those who know how to speak her own language has zero chances of understanding you. You however understand me, and your power of healing ammazed me every time. It is because you are no human, it because of this that you could overlook all my fallacies, my faults, my shortcomings and still loved me for no reason at all. I personally believe I haven't earned it. I have never done enough good to deserve your love.

No human being including me can love the way you love. So selfless, so non-judgmental. It's been a constant thing since you were a small puppy. You have never changed. I don't know how many years you have left with you. Books suggest not many. But you are a magical being aren't you? Remember the ways you can make a pain disappeare? So must you leave? Can't you stay? Stay with me? I can love you too you know. May be not like you do, but in my own way I can. So would you just stay please? Stay with me?

Good way to go...

Death is easy, painless.. dying in a place you love is a good way to go.. But life is painful, but that's okay. It's this journey, a beautiful beautiful journey and its worth fighting for..

I'm at loss of words, it is a sickness that has engulfed me completely. It's like cancer, it spreads fast and spreads everywhere. I feel disconnected. Sometimes I feel numb, but then I feel everything so so deeply, it's a curse to feel this way. My mind has become a morgue, every second someone inside is doing a postmortem of each and every word I say or I hear. But then also I feel cold, empty, void and disconnected. My will to do some good is leaving me. However my sense of duties and responsibilities and keep my promises are still alive. I'm performing my duties, I'm trying to fulfill my promises. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I still alive? I often question myself. Life for me is a lot more than survival. A lot lot more. It's better to be dead than just merely surviving. But I'm bound to my duties. Alas! The more I grow the more lonely I became. Scary part is I like it that way. I don't want anyone near me to disappoint me, I don't want anyone near me as I don't want expectations near my heart. Unconditional love doesn't exist. Expectations always crawls in and makes everything miserable. Lies, I hate them. Broken promises. But I have learned it the hard way not everyone can be honest, not everyone can keep promises. It takes a lot of courage and sacrifice that we are unwilling to allow.

A strange silence has taken over me. But stranger thing is I have become fond of it. Nothing passes through this stone cold wall that protects me now. I haven't build it, I don't know who did. But I can feel it there. I feel things but that's that. Nothing more. The feelings fail to have an impact on me. Am I dead? I often ask myself. Have I become a shadow of myself? I don't know yet. All I know is being in complicated broken relationships can kill you. Your own expectations can kill you. But it's a very slow kill. It's like evolution.. You die a very slow painful death. Having a relationship near me can kill whatever is left in me. I'm tired of pretending that I am here, truth is I'm not. I'm not the lover I use to be, I'm not the friend I use to be. I feel so disconnected with the rest of the world that I don't even want my shadow to follow me anywhere. Rationships are overrated. They make you weak. I don't want emotional support, rather I don't want emotions near me. A life bound by duties and responsibilities is what is left for me. Fulfill my promises, pay my dues and then leave. One fine day I'm going to runaway.  A hill station, a small cottage, a small school to teach in, a cup of steaming coffee, good books, unknown faces, solitude, complete solitude... Seems like a good way to go...

ছায়ার নিচে শুয়ে থাকে ছায়ার কবিতা,
তার‌ও নিচে শুয়ে থাকে নদী।
নাবিক নেমে এস খাতের নাভীতে,
সমুদ্র খুঁজে পাও যদি।

তল নেই যার সেই অতলকে ছুঁয়ে,
মৈথুণগ্রন্থিতে নামো।
যে স্পর্শে কাতরতা ছেরে দেয় ঘর,
তার আঙ্গুলের কাছে থামো।

জড় ছায়াদেহ বড় মৌনমুখর,
জলদেহে ভাসমান সুখ।
নদীখাতে জেগে থাকে শব্দতনয়া,
বুকে জাগে নাবিকের মুখ।

scary nights back again

feels like your delhi days are back.....

same old all day work then sleep routine....

calls in traces, glimpse of you fading.....

I donno how long I can hold on and keep pushing myself. I fear I may drift soon enough... 

nothing and more

sometimes being silent isn't a choice.. letting go is never easy, but it becomes mandatory sometimes.. sometimes nothing makes you happy or even content.. and you feel lost, you don't feel like you anymore....

the journey to the end has began....

I long to reach that space where my heart becomes as silent as my thoughts...

nothing more to gain, nothing more to lose....

freedom

it feels so damn good to end this chapter.. finally I'm free... it feels so damn good to be able to move on in life..
cheers!!! to freedom...
I hope ill never see/ hear from you ever again...
Thank you so much for leaving.. please don't bother looking back.. 

মন খারাপের ঘর,
বলা কথার ফুরায় অবসর।

মাথার উপর মেঘ,
বৃথাই বারে মনের গতিবেগ।

অপ্রস্তুতির শেষে,
বৃষ্টি এসে ঠোঁটের পাড়ে মেশে।

একলা অালোয় খুঁজি,
এমনি করেই ভুলে যাওয়া যায় বুঝি!