3/08/2015

Aaj tor jonmodin... My jake...
shokale tor gola shunlam bohumash por aaj.. Ami kandchilam..tui ki r aaj amar nishshobdo kannagulo shunte pash???? Amar nishshobdo kannagulo shonar lokta amay ghire royeche akhono... Tui achish, jamon aage chilish. Aajo toke khub bhalobashi. Nahole ato koshto hobe kano?eibhabe golar niche dolapakano byatha janiye dichche tui thakbi amar kache eibhabe.
Aaj ei prothom bochor, tor jonmodin othocho tor shathe aaj amar dyakha hobena. Aaj amra pashapashi haantbona, hashbona..Akta ajob shunyota ter pachchi buker modhye, bukta huhu korche. Onek kichui kaaler niyome palte gache, aro jabe. Ei jibone kichu sthayi noy. Tor chowatuku ache, thakbe.
Tor moto r keu na, keu hobena konodin. Tui bhalo achish, er beshi ar ki chaibo ami jibone. Tui egiye gechish shob tiktota jhere fele, etai amar onek paona. Tui bhalo thak. Anonde thak. Ami onek dure thekeo shudhu tui bhalo achish etuku niye thakte chai. Miss u re. I miss you jake.

Life and the nothingness

Dear naveen,
life is cruel. Accept it. I accepted long time back. Life is cruel to those who just wont give up and surrender to her. Pain is a passerby so is pleasure. What stays is the will to fight. Hope. My whole life standing on a single thread of hope.
Life is also an asshole. I wont apologise for not giving you enough time. I know i try. You know i try too. Doesn't it count??? Im fighting with time, fighting with destiny, fighting with god, fighting with pain... Life has become Just a fight.

You were like fresh air in my life, my friend, my fellow. I too think of the
chennai days often. The chats, the laughter. With you n vijay i use
 to laugh a lot. Life felt livable. They are more than memories. They are happiness. Remember all our sleepless nights!!! We never complained about sleep deprivation. This job is sucking life out of me. I know im dying. In QED i had u, i had vijay. Here i have nothing but a deathtrap.
Its been 3yrs since im trying to get just a decent teaching job. Im not getting anything. That depesses me. Kills me n breaks me from inside. I know very well about heartaches, madness and pain. They have been with me from the begining.
I love her, its true. You know i do. Without her my life will be nothing. Without her i wont live.
In life we often face choices. My choice will kill me bothways. If i fail to teach ill die, and if i fail to live with her ill die then as well. Yet im fighting with my last drop of blood. Its a very unequal war. In India there is no future of a woman with another woman. I know this by heart. Im a criminal to love a woman according to IPCC377. Yes. Emagine when the world around you tags you a criminal, an outcast. Im a loner beyond your wildest dreams. I fight alone. Not even she is with me in this fight. She is too weak and morbid to even fight for herself. Hence all are on me. Plus added pressure and responsibility of mom n dad. If i die they dont have a penny to feed themselves. Nor a place to live. You know the pressure of being the boy of ur parents dont u?
Chatting with you kept my minds off these things. If i think of my life i will kill myself that very moment itself. Hence i dont think. I just let things happen on their own. You are important. And i will tell you this on your face when u will no longer be important to me. I can do that. And if needed i will do it. But i cant prove it to you if u dont have faith.
Im highly misunderstood by everyone in life, even my sister, even my mom. I dont expect to be understood.
I know i care, i have faith.
one day u will understand.
Till then take care my friend.
Respect. 

তোর্সার দ্বিতীয় কবিতা

অনেক অনিদ্রার টিলা পেরিয়ে,
তোমার কপালে যদি চুমু খায় ঘুম...
তুমি যেমন তক্খুনির নিমেষে
ঠোঁটের ফাঁকে মাখো সেই নিঝ্ঝুম...

আমিও তেমন ফাঁকতালেরই খাঁজে
আঁকরে ধরি তোমায় বুকের ভাঁজে

তমানিষার অলংকারি চাঁদ
অলীক যেমন রূপকাহনের সুখ
আমিও তেমন কলমকারি প্রেমে
নক্সীফাঁদে গাঁথছি প্রিয় রূপ

তোমায় ছোঁয়া আঙ্গুল ঘুমিয়ে আছে
আজগুবি কিছু সজাগ ইচ্ছে মাঝে...

Half-lives

Never promised a half life to you..
Never expect or accepted a half life either.
But all there years life has been a half-ling with you.
Depressions, desparations, begging,pleadings, anonymity, emptinessess, tearsheds, hollowness, ignorance, insensitivity,fake promises, heartaches and refusals in continuam.
Nothing ever came back except sicknesses, lame excuses and complaints.
Im so done, so so done with this half-ness, now i dont want any of it. Talking to you seems tiring and meaningless.
Disappointments, lonliness, suffocation and silence has become a steady companion in this half life. From here all are reducing.
Everything with you has become pretentious. Im hating the neverending theatricals. 

Faraway

Lets hit the mountais...
Just you and me..
spending lonly time in a silent tent on an anonymous brook bed. Nothing but only fireflying and stars above will give us light.
Somewhere less explored by men, beside the springs filled with waterhens, and snowclad peaks calling us sweetly from a distance. Red flowers, high ferns, tall pines, and sweet singer birds. Nothing too fancy, devoid of the city stentch. Lets explore an old world.
Just you and me..

Sigh! It is nothing but an abstract dream of a farway enchantment!!!!
Deeper sigh!!!!
Sighing all night long!!!

Another letter to riju

Riju,
finally!!after a long time of blankscreenwatching got to hear something atleast. Phew!!!!relieved to know your alive and happy. I always wanted you to be happy with that wicked grin on your face. I never told you this, because i never thought its necessary. Your grin reaches your eyes, and make them shine with added brightness. One of the key reasons that makes an asshole like you so adorable. Always wake up with a smile dear.
I have loved you, hated you with same integrity, and then got over it too. But what i have constantly been doing over all these years is to pray and wish for your safety and happiness. You were an achiever, to me you will always remain like that. I wish to keep those memories of long walks and idle talks with me forever when we were really good friends.

I remember that day, when you held my hand in your hand, made a fist, put it near your heart and said that i was a gem of a friend. Donno if you really meant that or not. I trusted you. Back then your friendship meant everything to me and gave me much streangth to fight. Friendship, i really miss that with you. One thing for sure, your friendship never made me weak, it made me very strong.
Today when i spend every second with the love of my life, i cant tell you how grateful i feel to the srars above that they led me out of you only to get into her. But they never let me out of this bond that i feel with you.
 Even when you are worlds away i just have to know you are fine, i just have to know you are well, that you are happy, at peace and achieving something. I always wait for this much information. It might be irrelevant to you, you can still continue to think that no one really cares for you. Ahhh!!! Suit yourself. I am not much of an influence on you. I do not wish to be either.

I am not going to apologise for my last letter to you. Because just like this one that one is also filled with true emotions. If you find it contradictory im not going to explain myself. As a physics person you should know more about coexistance.

Be well my friend. Achieve all that you want. Keep writting, so that i will know your alright. Im pretty sure in this universe, in some anonymous galaxy, some strange solar system, some world yet to be known by man we are there, and we are bestest of friend. Miss you bitch. Smile more often for an old prehistoric friend...:)

Owning love

"No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone"
-Paulo Coelho
True, you cant lose anyone because you dont really own them. So true. But then think this through, in so many stages of our lives we try to own people. May be we do not recognize, it is but a very subconcious act of our mind. We feel possessive to some at least one or two, is that not a desire to own them? Or at least to own their time?

Then how do we define this desire of ownership???? I think this very desire of owning someone or something is nothing else but love.
Yes love. In my opinion love is when you look into the eyes of someone and from that very second your whole being, whole existance is filled with a steeping desire. Yes a desire to own then, own their each and every micro and nano second. You desire of owning their thoughts, their dreams, their conversations, their emotions, and just before you realize you want to own their desire of owning you too. In turn you want them to own your universe. This whole concept of ownership to me is love. As when we fail to own it hurts, we feel we are losing them. The sense of losing hurts.
Desire of ownership creats deep attachment, deepest of them all. Our mothers own us, may be that is the reason a mothers love is celebrated beyond everything in this world. We know we own them too.

I think this is why we lose only them who we love, not in life but in death. Because desirs burn, give warmth and heat. When we go ashtrey our skin becomes cold as it loses its desire, desire of owning life.

As for me gomzi, i desire to own you, deeply and fiercely. We both know this. And because of this i love you the most and am ded scared to lose you. To lose the you would be disowning love.. To have you is owning love itself.

I am yet to own you, and you are yet to own me. But atleast our hearts are filled with burning desires. We are warm and alive.