Tuesday, March 17, 2015

A storyline

Dear you,
im feeling compelled to write this up in your mail, sorry im writing in english.with all the embarrassment in the world i accept, iv find it extremely difficult to comprehend in bangla, i lose words for description. Yes i am ashamed of it,ill try improving. I remember writing long mails to you about an year and a half back. They never recieved any replies though. Broken fragments of a girls heart may not be worth replying to an uprising beautiful author. Yes ill post this one for a change in my raining kingdome, just to let my readers know, i hope they'll forgive my horrible spellings.
remember that night!9th feb2012. Let me walk you back,here,let me hold your pretty fingers and embed them in mine. This walk we take now is worth keeping in the meuseum. The one that exists amongst rainclouds.
i was 68kgs back then. Decent looking. Had long hair, and loved my red long painted fingernails(you too loved them, you said once). I was an msc fellow,doing a paper on cancer,my only dream to get into iisc and focus my life on cancer. I had bestest of people with me. Loving friends who meant the world to me. A family dreaming big things for their girl. I had it all. I had the confidence to shake your guts up and enough so u'd be bound to come and surrender. Yes it took a few months after that first kiss to get you on your knees. Remember my birthday, when you decided to fuck your ego and get the ring on my fingers. Yes it was a fairytale. I  was a cloud princess, singing and writting my heart out to you, you were a prince(my prince i thought) Making love to the princess in their porche(yes, im refering to your bed). It was a beautiful dream come true perception. Sweet scent of our pespires and lovelinessess still lingers in some lone corner of that room. Your little pet knows the smell. Iv let you drink me, to take me in.and i use to inhase you in every breath. Yes i remember, you smelled like spices.

Darling sooner or later reality comes along to wake us up from our fairytale dreams. It is a sickness, like your gastritis and my asthma. It makes us suffer in the worst possible ways and we still learn to live with it. And when sickness as such sets in even the rarest of angels fall. It was an illness that came slowly like a slithering assassine. It killed the prince first,to top it all it brought along a demon. That demon had that face. My prince's face. So began the game of powerplay,of hide and seek,of deception.
women are stronger dear, at least those who have a heart of a lady. They may appear fragile, you never know their streangth, unless they leave you fighting for yourself. The princess was a worrior and she fought her way to death. A winter came and the demon cut her heart out and fed on it, while she was sleeping. Demons are stealthy, and dishonest. They have no honor. They are weak than those who they kill. They need to keep on eating brave hearts to exist. They are a pitty.

February 2015, Im a marketting executive In a startup house where i need to travel like a cartwoman. From here to there,back and forth,iv came miles away from my books. Yes all because i was busy fighting your demons in your kingdome. I couldnt leave the place only to see it become a desertland, our castle to become a haunted house with merely ghosts of past in them.
My hair is up my shoulder,and my nails are perfectly chewed. It is a disgrace for any nail paint,hence it wont stay more than a day. im 84kgs Now. People say when you are depressed, and stressed beyond your life, you eat junk, and you become a junk as well.  Im fat,the mirror tells me do disappear in my misery,and not to look back. Im scared to open my cloths. It goes unnoticed my sleeveless and deep cut dresses are now being tailored as all covered one. Im scared one day soon ill lose all my hair but may grow Moustaches soon. That too with grey hairs in it.(sorry bout the dry humor).
I hoped beyond hope that things would work out. I was patient and gave all i can. I really wanted it to. But dreams are just dreams, and you gotta let go before they turn into nightmares and choak you in your sleep. You know the feeling, u'v been through it.
I prefer stories, the way they are told has something to touch,feel,smell, and taste, the way they are human, the way each word becomes a moment. In time dear, in time. I suck at saying goodbyes and parting words. Im an asshole in it. But im a fare storyteller(with acknowledgement or without)..
Now, let our fingers reunite again,im sure the've parted during the walk,it was Long n tiring. One kiss on each fingertip. Here i let lose of it. Be well.
Farewell.
N.B: Now i leave the rest on the readers emagination. And if no tears are shed during the readtime, you know where you stand.
Love and respect.
Author.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Reminiscence

my heart was breaking as i was surfing through each and every single word. I know what this post was all about,i can still hear my ribs breaking..one after other..thunderclouds are storming up the way to my throat. No luck bitch!!!no easy let out for you.
Im always secondary,always..i knew this. And im a loner. All my life after some point i leave only with myself. Iv tried relationships. When they didn't work out, i tried blaming it on me. Iv tried hard. It is of no use. It turned out to be it was not my fault afteral. And being loner is beter than living with lies.
lies..yes, i hate them. Hate the fact that no asshole has the guts to speak up. filthy lies.
i met the girl i once was today. It aint worth the visit. Pray temme what would stupid tearsheds will bring. They bring emotions,and stupidity.
i must stop visiting the memoires. They are no longer realistic. Everything changed. So did i..
Hotelrooms, buses,trains,cabs and lousy cities..one after the other..im running around like the winds now. I am afterall a cloud..a homeless flier..fly along,fly along with time.. And release..

she will never write a single word for me,never..no matter what she says..the ornamental juvenile deceptions. Not me. Not worth the wait.
she will afterall never write,never, the way he does. No one ever will.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

মন খারাপের শুরুটা কীভাবে হয়???
তুই বুঝবি না. আমিও বোঝাতে পারবনা.
বাদ দে. ভেবে লাভ নেই.
আমি না থাকলেও তুই ভালোই থাকবি.
আমি আসলে কারুর কেউ নই.
তাই আমার মনের দায় কারো না.
আমি দায় চাপাইও নি কখনো.
আমি চলে যাব. তোরা ভালো থাক.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

time flies

It's almost been a week now, since i'v felt myself breathing in your arms,
almost a week since u'v touched my lips, not even with your trembling gentle fingers,
almost a week since i'v spent my cozy and lazy afternoons all wrapped up in the sweet stench of your being... almost a week...Sigh!
No matter how much i try to deceive myself, i fail to dissociate Me, from all that loveliness i thought was there in my life..Presumptions!

Time continues to fly away in number of counting weeks, and days, and minutes and even in seconds...i stare hopelessly at the wall clock like i use to many months back. it ain't a pretty sight. I so wish i could have it caged, all that we had, the good and the best, locked in a chest, hidden safely somewhere.

Words are becoming silent gradually. All the efforts made and sweet nothings said to each other are now becoming fragmented, broken into bits and pieces, never-ending chat-lines are converting themselves into unnecessary courteous word exchanges.
I love you for giving me a beautiful dream, a more meaningful something which i could hold onto...and I hate you for making all of it become mundane in due course of time....

Fragmentation is the primary symptom of any disease, and diseased is what we have become..Two diseased souls separated by the universes, united in their agonies...
Even the agony becomes something to cherish sometimes, something to cling onto... A friend taught me this.

I know more such weeks are yet to pass by,and more agony will come along, to find there remorse, to justify themselves, and i must be patient, i must hang on, as i'm the only one left to listen to them.

Come back in good times love, and in the fondest memories...Take care.

Monday, January 12, 2015

funeral notice

Some people are there in my life,
they are not just people, but chaos
and they never seem to go..

but they have to, they must go.
it will happen very soon.

Friday, January 2, 2015

A new Dawn awaits

i dunno how to begin and what to begin with....another year gone,another approached. One learning it gave me....nothing in this universe stays empty, not even vacuum...like an absolute golden rule, things get replaced, people get new faces, relationships get new name and even feelings convert...Someone has to leave in order to make room for someone else...Change is a constant paradigm. Years come and go, its just a matter of time, and with time and experiences the prototype undergoes frameshifts and scaffolding.
The year 2014 when it came was as insignificant as my present time mental state, but now when i look back (Ya! i do that a lot!) im surprised beyond anything to find out some real time frame-shifts. I am not that girl i once was anymore, im somewhat with more grey hair, not on the outside though, but when I come in vicinity with Me, i can not count all that grey, it gets tiring.
Jake! you left!like everyone else...I know I had pushed you away, I know you had to go.....Its just my visit to my memory lanes remind me of, and then again life had taught me in hardest way promises are meant to be broken...Not that you intended to, but a break is a break enough just to bring you back to your deadeyne
, where you no longer can live in deception. And people call Me Poser!!!i laugh...dunno what else to do.
This year taught me one more thing, the best answer to all the pain is laugh, so i laugh it all away, and the best answer to anger, misjudgement and failure is patience, so i sleep on them...
Phishy boy, i miss the laughter in you mischievous eyes..My heart Yearns to see you happy, and your smile come up to your eyes once again.
This years has given me friends in a place where friendship was least expected. Naveen, Vijay, Aniket, i hope you stay for a while...Im getting too used to our stupid crazy laughter, naughty conversations and all that good thing. Friendship heals a lot, and a lot faster, its true.2014 taught me....
Babe! You're an Adonis, and you've been living at a substantial distance..where the longinquity has always been so high how can i not see that i had always lived in the outskirts of your heart, never been an insider, and never i will be..At times the bewildered eyes do not see beyond mere perceptions. I have been blind likely.
I am slowly and gradually retiring, withdrawing myself from all your essence, all the bewilderment, and from the outside world. I am retiring to my abode in my core, where words dwell deeper than those who carry them. I am going away. No one shall ever notice before i remove my last stench from the quintessential surrounding. I am sorted.
I am going to make this look like an evolution, you will never know, no one would ever feel that something is wrong when i am not around, ill make it natural, just like gone winds, rains, summers, winters and gone time.
This is my resolution for 2015. As the dawn approaches let me touch the light, and become one with it.

Amen!!!

Saturday, December 6, 2014

being dumb..

Dumbness is an expression, the feeling though is being voiceless...if i can coin this situation as a monotonous diseased condition then, yes again it started...again...again im losing my voice...i have words, so many of them, so many, but confided in my mind..."overcrowding" is the word, yes my thoughts again overcrowding, casting a huge slithery shadow on my mind, yes they slither...im hopelessly positive to find my voice again, sing my heart out like a lark, but then again nothing comes out. I love them, as they all love me. but so much to comprehend, and so little coming out. Haven't felt this dumb for a while, and here it is again, relapsing over n over,like some weird carcinoma. I wish i could be chirpy, talkative again, i miss being the cheerful me.

N.B: I'm diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder(Again!). Few diseases kill you slowly, and they've got no cure, no matter how strong or positive you are you cannot cure a few heartaches ever.