stupid situations

i don't know where im standing....mixed impulses running under my skull...dunno if i should trust you or not...someone deep inside says you will break me into pieces one day like he did...u say u love me, that's all im gonna want ever...i cant say for sure that you do....stupid me, stupid situations...im hurt....i know its all gone, dunno if that's true....cant say for sure...i love you, i really really do....i go crazy at times, may be because thats what i am....the reality is too hard to handle...i have my own stories, you have your share of the world, your little own history...you say you'll wait...how long! i cant tell....i know its all gone, buried...but it hurts me so...im stupid,stupid,stupid me...why?why?why? why not me?why not me?why not me? im so so stupid....stupid situations...

amar jiyonkathi

tomay jara chute chaye ami tader ghrina kori.tomay jara bhalobashe ami tader hingsha kori.ami pagol hoye jabo tomay ebhabe bhalobeshe. kintu onno konobhabe bhalobashte ami jani na. tumi hoyeto bhabo shobtai paglami,shobtai madokota....shudhu amar ami jane amar proti nishshashe bash kore tomar ami. jani boro tarahuro korchi, tumi bolbe aaro onek shomoy nite....shomoy newa byartho kina ami janina, tobe ebhabei ami bheshe jai benojole....amar bhalobasha muk o bodhir kintu taar onek onubhuti ache...tamon kore tomay keu onubhob koreni konodin. amar shobtai elomelo, ogochalo, dukhkhobilashi....na ebhabe kichu bojhano jayena, ebhabe shudhui bhalobasha jaye...hain bhalobashi tomay, nirdidhaye bolte pari bhalobashi tomakei.....atota shomoy par kore shudhu atodin ghure ghure firechi....aaj shey fera shanto holo bodhoy....ami r kauke khujbona karur modhye...khujbo nijeke abar harabo abar fire pabo....shob kichu abar benche uthbe tomar sporshe ami jani....ami shob bhule jabo, tomay chuye ami mrityunjoyi hobo...

the change

how fast life is changing. i am now a post graduate in life sciences.yes OFFICIALLY...and i did good..cant really anticipate where life will take me from here, but that is not what i am thinking now. this is hard to share, most of you wont even understand. life has changed drastically. i am so unsure of myself, if i follow my heart i may end up hurting a lot of people, which i don't intend.but then how far can i run from my own self?i have my own needs, my craving. and yes the way i need to belong to someone. its hard to keep pace with my ever changing mind, i want to settle down now. but my life has taken a very unexpected weird turn. i was not prepared for it, but then i do not wish to let go. not now, not yet. all i know for now that i am not very good at this balancing act, but somehow ill have to, cause now is not the time..ill be patient and wait, happiness matters and it can only come by being surrounded by love and belonging.
phew! complicated life!but no one said its gonna be easy, i was not up for easy, i am not meant for easy..

opekhkhay kete jaye chupchap raat...
kotoshoto megher porote poroete mishe thake akibuki kata ghum..
kalo raat nijhjhum
nijeke chuye ami shuye thaki ghono chander niche..
janalar baire ojhor dharay bristi potei thake jug juganto dhore..
amon borsha hoye ak shorir jolodhara boye chole arek shorire..
chupchupe bhije roa otha buk byakul hoye othe shonda matir gondhe..
bhir kore ghore dhuke ashe nishs

hash makha bhari hawar dol..
adorer chinnho gulo chador chapa pore khujte thake atotayi premke..
kon khoter kototuku gobhirota?bujhte bujhtei forsha hoy raat..
brishti jole dhuye jaye proshnera...
poli pore shorirer bare urborota,
bare bhoy r bare jibon shongshoy...
ami shuye thaki mouni chander niche
nirghum chokh jaage, r kaan pete shone
nijer bheja thonte tor nishshasher othanama..

the much awaited confession

after i came back from my north bengal trip i cannot think straight anymore. most of my times im thinking of you two. this i must confess first to myself then to you two. my love for you people has increased exponentially and now not a second passes without me thinking of you. its insane and totally harmful for me because someone inside tells me all the time- you people are not here to stay. but confess as i must it will probably break me when you people leave. i honestly dont know will i ever be able to let you people go. i am disappointed with my damn self that i have let you in so much that now there is no looking back. but the worse part is i dont know how much you people value me. at this point it's sick but ill have to admit i do not care anymore about your values. i just know i cant help myself may be hugely because i dont want to. am sinking, am freaked out, am stressed, am scared. yet what keeps me going i cant tell for sure. its just that when you two are together, and happy, and smiling and content i feel a kind of fulfillment within myself. as if something in me is complete. but when you two are fighting, when my girl is sadcore and that moron is indifferent it kind of breaks me too. i did not realize still how much was left in me, until i met you two. cant share this pain with you guys, as you guys are the cause of it. and this kind of confession will create a distance amongst us. that will be too much to bear for me. my sanity depends hugely on you people now. its just better to keep you two away from facts like this. no matter how mesmerizing the little one is i cant trust him. i am sorry but i cant. not because he is complicated but more because i fail to understand the complexities within him. yet i am so madly attached to such a moron... and as for my girl what can i say? life is just so unfair. i wish to be with her till eternity but then why does that person in me is telling me not to go any deeper. i tried, i am still trying my best to avoid getting any closer. i wanna run away man. but where do i have an escape from my retarded memories! i have tried to avoid their company, tried ignoring them as a whole. i failed..failed badly. will i ever gain back my composure! man i am one hell messed up person...sweet lord christ save me. return to me salvation...

THE CORE TRUTH

if you want to screw your life please go ahead and follow my footsteps.....they will do you grand...but if you wish to be ecstatic,happy, and want a taste of complete freedom,then I'm afraid your only choice is me....:)
yes,i am happy,and free.....way more than any one can judge from outside,but the core knows how fulfilled it feels at the moment.... I'm on top of my game.... :) and i miss you rahul...my brother you are an absolute kick ass great person...and our little trio so incomplete without you...we miss you...and you little rascal should know this by now....
am i doped? if yes,then i am doped my a strange happy feeling.....
but the truth is all this doesn't make sense to rest of the world....but a wise man told me once....
''Fuck the world and lets get high''....
NOTE TO MYSELF: all wise people think alike....:)

the museum of innocence

the museum of innocence by orhan pamuk is the best book i'v ever came across....thanx jake for lending it...even thank u sam b for u have given it to jake....n finally now it's with me...it's bloody dark....n is single-handedly able to depict all the emotions i'v ever conceived...inside me i have museum too....it's only not every one can visit it...it's more private to be honest,n i like it that way....n i do agree with kemal bey.....happiness does comes with being close to the person we love...n happiness is the most important thing in life.....n let them know im gonna have a happy life too.....